My two handsome men, Rowland and Carson, headed out to Greeley today to a car show where they showed Rowland’s ‘67 Mustang Ski Country Special. They had a great time looking at old cars, and you can be sure that Rowland’s got lots of looks!

Carson Showing His Dad’s Car

Carson also found “his” car and will be working hard over the next 2 1/2 years to make the grades to earn one. It’s a pretty nice “carrot” to hold in front of him, and I must say, he looks awfully good in it!

Very, Very, Very Cool!

Tonight, we headed to Brunswick Zone for some bowling and pizza. Rowland won, of course, but the kids all said that he was a “professional” so his winning didn’t count! There was lots of laughter, and while I didn’t bowl (because of my fake nails - lame, right?), I did enjoy the 80s music and danced and sang along!

Hollie’s Friend Mike Joining the Fun

Rowland’s “Professional” Form

Proud KeKe

William Doing the Happy Dance

Rowland Helping Jia with Her Bowling Rack

Scary Carson

Holly Giving Carson a Much-Desired Hug (HA!)

Rowland and His Babies

Proof That My Baby is Taller Than His Momma

My momma has been here for 10 days - not nearly long enough. She came out to watch the kids for Rowland and me to take a trip to Boston. (Pictures to come later in the week.) We had a wonderful time together. I love just knowing that my momma’s in the house, that there’s always someone around who wants nothing FROM me and everything FOR me. I love knowing that I can lie down with my head in her lap ANYTIME, and she’ll drop everything and rub my head as long as I’ll lie there. There are no more biased eyes than a momma’s. She thinks I’m beautiful, that everything I do is perfect, that my children are the most well-behaved angels on Earth. She ALWAYS takes my side and hurts when I hurt, laughs when I laugh.

Her visit came at a great time. As I’m going through this “where did my babies go?” and “will they still love me as big people?” and all of the other questions and insecurities, I’ve been more sensitive to stopping and holding my own momma’s hand, giving her that extra hug, telling her how much I love her. For the first time, I truly understand from the depths of my heart what her heart needs. I also understand how much she’ll miss me when she gets on that plane this morning, and I’ll miss her just as much. It seems that as I move into this new phase of life with my own children, my momma’s heart and my heart beat together once again.

I LOVE YOU, MOMMA!!!

These last several weeks have been amazingly stressful in our home. I could go through all of the reasons, but suffice it to say that as we enter a new stage of life with our children, it has caused major stress. I remember when my children were babies, and those moms a little further down the road would tell me how much harder parenting would get as my children grew older. Physically, it was to get easier, but emotionally, it was to become much more difficult. Those moms were so right. Even with “good” children who haven’t gotten into any worldly trouble YET, life has become much more difficult, much, much, much more stressful. A good night’s sleep doesn’t fix “it” anymore. A night out without children doesn’t renew me like it used to do. A few days away with friends or my husband doesn’t provide an escape. In fact, not an hour goes by in any day that I don’t find myself worrying, trying to come up with the perfect “fix,” and lifting my teenagers before the Lord in desperate cries. (And now the tears begin to flow as is so often the case these days.)

I remember a pastor friend telling me one time that having children was like cutting out your heart, putting legs on it, and sending it to walk through life. How painfully true. I find myself filled with memories of those days when I was such a “perfect” mommy to my babies - in their eyes. I picture their laughter, their beautiful eyes, their little hands on my face. I adored my babies, but I looked forward to the time when my body would be mine again, with no one tugging on it, no aching arms from holding babies while dragging all of their stuff, nights when I could sleep all night…. Do I want to go back? NO! Do I cherish every one of those memories? Oh, more than I ever imagined!

I also remember a childrens’ director at our church telling me that children were not ours. They’re just on loan from God. I still remember the pain I felt when she told me that. Somehow, that pain has turned into a little relief, a gentle reminder that they’re really God’s children, that He loves them even more than I do, that He is, as Hagar so perfectly said it, “the God who sees.” He is the God who can see inside of their still-growing bodies and minds. He is the God who knows what truly motivates them. He is the God who has promised to never let go of them as they are, after all, His sheep. He is the God who placed the Holy Spirit inside of them when they chose to follow His Son. He is the Parent in charge. I’m the babysitter, entrusted with an enormous responsibility, but still, only the keeper for this period of time.

As I sat outside last night and prayed for each of my children (with special prayers for a couple), I heard God so clearly remind me that He is the God who sees. He sees the pain of a momma’s heart, the fear that overwhelms me at times, the tears that hide behind my smile and sweet voice, the struggle to keep putting one foot in front of the other, the desire to run away mixed with the desire to cling to this life at the same time, the shooting pain in my neck, the tremendous love for each member of my family, the endless second-guessing…. As I cried out to God and asked Him to make me physically stronger, physically more able to get more done and not feel so exhausted, emotionally capable of not being combative, emotionally able to give kindness and goodness and mercy and grace when I feel like hiding under my covers, He spoke to me. As I begged Him for wisdom to see those places in my life where I could find the “down time” that He created me to need so desperately, He spoke to me again. As I asked for forgiveness for the times when I’ve “lost it” with my children or my husband and said words out of anger, He spoke to me yet again.

And what did He say? Kitty, you’re right. You can’t handle all of this. I never meant for you to handle all of this. Remember, Kitty, My yoke is easy, and My burden is light. Why don’t you give all of those things to Me? I’m here, and I’m waiting.

Wanted: One stay-at-home mom who enjoys loving on her house, making sure her children have clean clothes, catching The View while working out, and not working outside of the home. Position vacated by what may be a new permanent placement in the car, on the run, conferences at school, errands for the family, and involved in TOO MANY unwanted activities (most not by choice). Position needed ASAP.

Precious, Beautiful Hollie

I must have forgotten to blog about who Hollie is and how she came to be a member of our family. I think I shared a while back about our praying about two 9 year old boys in China who had been abandoned at 7 years old and needed homes. At that time, I felt very overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life with four children, but I wanted to be faithful to God if His desire was for us to add another child to our family. In my heart, I believed that God would tell us “no,” but I still wanted to at least ask His plans for our family. Rowland and I prayed about it and soon discovered that because of my need for antidepressants, we are now unable to adopt from China. The answer was very clear, and yet, I still felt that we had been obedient in allowing God to work in our family as He saw fit, in spite of my being overwhelmed most of the time!

Only about six weeks after we had prayed about these two little boys, we learned of an 18 year old senior at church who needed a home. Due to certain circumstances, she was no longer able to stay with her family and had nowhere to go. Rowland and I had only met Hollie a couple of times and didn’t really know her at all. Immediately, Rowland asked me to pray about bringing her into our home. To each of us, God spoke very clearly that that was indeed His plan. After meeting with Hollie for about an hour one night, we asked her to move in a couple of days later. She moved into Jia’s room, and the little girls share a room now.

I believe as I look back on the time that we prayed about adopting the Chinese boys that God was preparing us to be open to any “child” that He might bring into our family. I teasingly call Hollie my little Chinese boy!

So who is Hollie? She is a beautiful young woman with a precious giggle and a love for life. She has become a special daughter to me, although I would never assume to take the place of her mother. All of my children will tell you that she is their big sister. She and Carson love to “fight,” calling each other “loser” and “dork.” They chase each other around the house, stealing cell phones and laughing hysterically. She paints the little girls’ fingernails and toenails, and they totally adore her. William, too, enjoys having a big sister around. My favorite time with Hollie is when she lies on my bed and lets me rub her head while we talk until she falls asleep. Rowland has taught her to change spark plugs and bead blast something in a car engine. She goes to the church and helps set up for Sunday services and helps me with the first service childrens’ program. She is a part of our family now and forever!

We have enjoyed buying a prom dress and shoes, getting a pedicure and manicures, getting ready for prom complete with pictures, teaching her to drive, taking care of her when she is sick, getting her enrolled in college, holding her when her heart is broken, laughing at her giggles, buying her a car, and just living life with this beautiful girl whom God has placed in our family for this time. While she still has a family, she most definitely has an extra one, too! Hollie is also OUR daughter, OUR sister, OUR friend, and a precious, precious gift from God whom we love as our own - and always will! Thank you, God, for your blessings and for entrusting us with one of your children!

Rowland, Hollie, and Me at the Easter Egg Hunt

Easter Sunday - the Girls

Today was definitely Hollie Day!! She and I went to Front Range Community College in Westminster, and she is officially enrolled in the CNA program!!! College, here she comes! We are all so proud of her! May 22nd is Graduation Day, and we’re already trying to figure out where to take her for her very special day!

Once we got home, Hollie and I took the girls across the street to play in the hot tub. Rowland, never to be outdone, showed up with a Mustang for Hollie, her very own car! The smiles on her face speak volumes, and the squeals of delight have yet to stop. She says she’s sleeping in it, and I think she just might!

Can You Hear the Squeals?

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Rowland Getting Lots of Hugs

The First Test Drive with Me

Pretty Cool!

KeKe Taking Over the Passenger Seat

Hollie’s Friend George Joining in Her Excitement!

Happy Hollie Day, Sweet Princess!!! You deserve it, and you totally rock!!! We love you!!

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, ‘That’s it! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off!

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: ‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!’

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’

God just shrugged and said, ‘JESUS SAVES’.

(Joke compliments of my daddy!!! Thanks, Daddy!! You made me smile this morning!)

Deep breaths….deep breaths….deep breaths….deep breaths…..relax your neck….relax your neck….relax your body….relax your body….deep breaths…..deep breaths…..NOT WORKING!

Five kids…a LOT! Too many? Who would I give back? No one.

Deep breaths….relax your jaw….deep breaths….knots in the stomach….breathe into that space….deep breaths…..

God, You have promised to give me what I NEED, not necessarily what I want. I NEED Your help, Heavenly Father……..

Life is overwhelming…..schedule is always overpacked….where do I hide? Beneath Your wings, Father? Cover me…..

More deep breaths….one thing at a time….one foot in front of the other….deep breaths….deep breaths…..

In my weakness, Father, You are strong. You are my refuge. I’m running, Father. Do you see me? Of course? Will you catch me? Of course.

Deep breaths…deep breaths….one step at a time….recognize the stress and de-fuse from it….deep breaths….deep breaths….

Relax….I lie down in Your arms, Father….I rest in You….

Why am I up at 2:15 in the morning worrying about the work that my middle schooler hasn’t finished for school tomorrow? I know that I’m going to get him up at 5:40 to finish it, and I know that he’ll be sitting at the dining room table as soon as he gets home from school finishing a project that I wanted finished last night. I have no plans to go wake him up from where he fell asleep studying for a test so why can’t I just roll over, let it go, and sleep? He’s sleeping just fine.

I suppose it’s because I’ve learned (finally after 43 freakin’ years) that I live in a “just one more thing” mode. I’ve known for years now that there are certain things that I have to have done before I can leave the house even if doing so makes me late. For example, I can’t leave dishes in the sink, and my bed has to be made. My list used to be a lot longer, but since punctuality is something I’ve been working on, I’ve had to shorten the list. Still…..there’s always one more thing.

This morning, I took little Kitty to school, and on the way, she realized that she didn’t have her book for reading to the class or her tennis shoes for P.E. Deciding that she could be a few minutes late, I turned around and let her go back for them, something I don’t usually do. Of course, as soon as she got to school, she realized that she didn’t have her homework from the night before. It was lying on the stairs that she had climbed up and down numerous times. Knowing that it was hard work and knowing that I would be out of the house in only a couple of hours, I told her that I would drop it by the school so that she wouldn’t have to go to study hall and re-do it. Once again, I don’t normally take homework left at home back to the school. Suffer the consequences and move on; however, today I decided that I really didn’t mind.

Upon returning home, I sat down at the computer to e-mail Carson’s teachers about some make-up work, which ended up taking me a good hour. That led to my answering a couple of e-mails that had to do with the first service Sunday which led to my checking my bank balance which led to……10:10 and Rowland’s phone call. We had to take Carson to get his passport, and we both had to be present. He was finished with his morning tasks and was ready to go. After asking for an hour to get ready and get Jia ready, I remembered that I hadn’t called in Rowland’s prescription refill. It was just one little thing so I quickly phoned it in to the pharmacy. As I was getting in the shower, I received a text message from Hollie reminding me that I needed to order the bouttoniere (too late to care that that’s misspelled!) for her prom date. As I was getting out of the shower, the doorbell rang. It was Hollie’s boyfriend who had stopped by to decorate her room for prom. (He had called earlier, but my mind had since moved on to other things.) He decorated while I continued to get ready, then let himself out of the house. I actually got ready pretty quickly and was only interrupted one other time. This time, it was Rowland calling to tell me that Hollie was sick at school and asking me to call in permission for her to come home. Since I still hadn’t had breakfast (11:10 now), I ran downstairs and made myself a bagel. While waiting for it to toast, I called the school to excuse Hollie then called Hollie to tell her she could come home. Oh, and what about the bouttoniere? I quickly grabbed the phone book, looked up the flower shop, and called in the order. While spreading cream cheese on my bagel, I was digging through my purse to get my Visa to give to the flower shop. Jia, who had not been hungry or thirsty up to this point, decided that she, too, needed something. That’s okay…..just one more thing.

Finally, I grabbed all of the paperwork for Carson’s passport along with the grocery list and Kitty’s homework from the counter and headed out the door. As I raced to meet Rowland, I realized that I wasn’t going to have time to go by the school. Hopefully, I’d be able to get Kitty’s work to her in time later. Once I met Rowland, I quickly filled out the passport paperwork and realized that I had left Mom’s address at home. I called her, filled it in, and headed to the post office halfway across town. There was no line, and we were in and out quickly so, remembering that I had run out of face powder and seeing the proximity of the mall, I decided to “run in” to grab my face powder. While there, I remembered that I also “needed” a more decent bathing suit that didn’t make me look fat so I quickly tried a couple of them on only to remember that I HATE bathing suits and that my legs were still hanging out of the bottom of all of them!

Jia and I dragged ourselves out of the mall, both feeling like we couldn’t walk anymore because of our starvation and drove through Burger King before heading back to town. Once in town, I knew that I only had a few minutes to drop off Kitty’s homework and made the quick decision that I would check her out of school an hour early so that I wouldn’t have to return for her an hour later. The goal, of course, was one more thing to make one less thing!

As I walked into the door at home, I was desperate for a quick hour nap before Jia had to leave for dance. I checked my computer for teacher’s responses and realized that I now had several “one more things” to address with my precious Carson. An hour later, Rowland walked in the door, saw me at the computer and asked why I hadn’t taken my nap. Once explanations were out of the way and Carson was put on task, I grabbed some caffeine and flew out the door to dance. While Jia was at dance, I ran to the grocery store, barely making it back in time to pick her up. Meanwhile, I remembered a couple of items that I’d forgotten at the store and stopped back by again after phoning little Kitty and telling her for William and her to get on their homework. I knew that I had a Freshman class preparation meeting at the high school so, once home, I ran into the house to get to work on dinner (Rowland had already gone to band practice.) and calculated nutrition tables for one of Carson’s assignments. It took me 40 minutes, and I knew that he’d either never get it figured out or it would take him literally hours. Hollie had instructions for all of the kids to be bathed and in bed by the time I returned at 8:15. I grabbed a Power Bar and a Diet Dr. Pepper and stuffed them down my throat on the way to the school. Of course, the administrator was a “one more thing” person, too, so the meeting ended 25 minutes late at which time I had to drive back into town to get gas or risk running out in the morning. By 9:00, Rowland was lying on the bed, the girls were asleep (almost), William was in bed, Hollie was still lying on the couch asking for nausea medication (one more thing?), and I was going over completed work with Carson. At 10:00 I took my sleeping pill, my one last thing, and was dead to the world.

Now, it’s 2:56 a.m., and everyone in the house is sound asleep, and I’m up worrying about my son getting the rest of his work done before school. Just one more thing……

It’s baseball time again!!!! That means lots of purple, lots of hot dogs, a little bit of beer, lots of hollering, lots of dancing and singing, and hopefully lots of winning games!!! Rowland took Carson, William, and little Kitty to the game this past weekend, and the Rockies won with a little help from their fans!!