I’m so excited this morning!!!! My “real California girl” friend is flying in this morning to spend a few days. Carrie will be here in just a few hours, and I can hardly wait. Watch out, Parker, here she comes!!!! Rowland will have lots of girl talk, lots of “ribbing,” and lots of “ideas” to help make his life easier. He’ll be an even better man (if that’s possible) when we get through with him. Life is good!!

My cooking is really progressing - not necessarily getting better but definitely getting more frequent. Since we moved, I have cooked dinner three times. The first time was pot roast on Father’s Day. It was part of my gift to my husband for being such a great father and cooking all the time! Last week, for no reason, I cooked again. This time, I actually took a picture of the whole family eating. It was an all-veggie meal, but a meal nonetheless. William was so sad about having only veggies to eat that he put in a special request for meatloaf and mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. Tonight, Chef Kitty returned for an encore performance and made my sweet boy meatloaf and mashed potatoes. We had to skip the corn on the cob because I had to make a last minute run for ketchup. To William, ketchup is a major food group. Actually, to William, ketchup is THE major food group.

The family eating their 2nd family meal together

Poor William - I had to make him meatloaf - He was so sad about the veggies!!

My goal is to cook three times a week. For those of you who know me, you know that I haven’t cooked much in the last couple of years. I’ve gone through my recipes, though, and I have the rest of my children’s meal lives lined out! Watch out Rachael Ray! Kitty’s moving into the kitchen!!!

…………….I just ran upstairs to clean up the kitchen, and now I remember why I quit cooking. The kids all ate some, but it doesn’t seem like they eat enough to make it worth the trouble. No, I did not let them snack before dinner, and I won’t let them have anything else before bed. They just aren’t big eaters at dinnertime. I don’t like to eat dinner either unless we’re going out someplace special (like a date). Rowland wasn’t hungry so he didn’t eat either. It just seems like a lot of trouble for so little food consumption. Oh, well, I guess I have to feed them even if they aren’t huge eaters! Food, clothing, and shelter!!

I don’t like to wear a bathing suit in front of other people - or in front of myself for that matter. Amy asked me on Sunday if I wanted to take the kids to the water park on Friday, today. I knew that the kids would have a blast, and I love to hang out with Amy so I said okay. As Friday got closer and closer, I began to dread it more and more. Still, Rowland and I and our kids met the Englishes at the water park today. We actually had a good time. I went down the water slide which made my boys happy and loved on the girls some. I also was able to sit in the water and visit with Amy with little interruption, a rarity in our relationship! More memories!!

Jia and I met a girl named Deb West and her daughter from China, Anna. We had a great time getting to know them and hearing their story. God is so amazing how he matches up adoptive children with their perfect parents. The funny thing was that Deb wasn’t sure that Jia was adopted. She said that she first looked at her and thought that she looked Chinese, then looked at me and decided that Jia wasn’t Chinese, that she was my biological daughter. After the conversation last night, I had to laugh! One of the things that grieves me the most is that I was never able to feel Jia move inside of my body as I did the other children. It makes me sad to think that I never saw her when she was an infant, never heard her baby cries, or felt her nurse from my breasts. Maybe I’m weird (definitely, I’m weird!), but it is a stage of her life that I truly grieve over at times. When Deb told me today that she thought she was my biological child, it just filled a little empty space inside of me. If I believe it enough, will it be so??? No, but I do know that God just allowed my child to grow inside of someone else, and that while I might have missed those times, she is my baby through and through. And if you don’t believe me, just ask her!!!

Last night at worship practice, I was sitting on the floor with Jia in my lap, and her sister lying on the floor with her head on my knee. Jia kept pushing little Kitty away, and I kept trying to remind Jia that both of them were my daughters. Finally, totally frustrated, Jia said, “But she doesn’t have skin like mine!”

I guess only the Chinese child is truly my baby! Go figure!!! And I was worried about her having feelings of insecurity because the rest of them look like Rowland and me! Of course, she always tells me that I’m Chinese and that my parents went to China to get me when I was a baby. No wonder I stay so freakin’ confused around here!!!

Yesterday, I realized that I had a very sick joy in taking all of my children to the dentist. At first, I was dreading it, then I realized that ALL FOUR of them would be back in the dentist’s office, and I would get to sit in the waiting room quietly and read for a long, long time! Even though my poor babies were being poked and prodded, I was nice and relaxed, reading, and hoping that the doctor was very slow.

In the end, they all have to go back tomorrow for additional work. Initially, I was good with that, too, because I thought I’d gotten another free pass in the waiting room. This time, though, the dentist will only take two back at a time. And…she’ll take one girl and one boy, which means I’ll have a chatty cathy with me at all times. Kitty and Jia will both get happy gas so I’m thinking that when they’re all done, and I’m getting my teeth cleaned, I may ask for some happy gas, too!

I love my kids, and I could never torture them intentionally, but they have to go to the dentist. If while they’re there, they’re a little uncomfortable, and I’m a lot comfortable, well, that’s just the way it works out those couple of days a year!! See, sick joy?

Okay, maybe it wasn’t cross country, but it was several miles. It was also my first bike trip. Our whole family went on a bike trip with the English family on Saturday for our “field trip.” I’m not a biker. In fact, I can hardly ride a bike. My parents bought me a bike when I was 9. It was Christmas day, and they locked me out of the house until I could ride the thing. I did learn, but I never really liked it too much. I’ve wanted to ride with my children and have ridden their bikes around a cul-de-sac, but I’m pretty shaky and can’t turn very well. I also don’t like to go fast. So…when Rowland called me Friday afternoon and told me he had a surprise for the whole family, I was VERY surprised that it was a bike ride! In fact, I called Amy and Carrie and told them in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t going on a bike ride. I couldn’t believe that my husband would actually think that I would be the least bit interested in grabbing onto shaky handle bars and peddling anywhere in 90+ degree weather!

The next morning, as I sat and talked with Rowland while he cleaned out the garage, I told him that I wanted the kids to be like him, adventuresome. He said that they could actually be like me, adventuresome, if I so chose. He also pointed out to me that I am actually adventuresome. After all, I took the Leap of Faith after travelling to Brazil. I adopted my daughter from China (and travelled to get her). I have a tattoo (sorry, Mom!) and a nose ring (sorry again, Mom!!) and even ride on Rowland’s motorcycle with my very own pink flamed helmet. I’ve moved from Little Rock as far West as I could get to San Jose without knowing a single soul. And now I’ve moved to Heaven (Colorado) after only a year in California. Pretty adventuresome for a home-body who is not adventuresome, huh?

Next move? Treads for a new bike! I was a nervous wreck just trying the bikes and didn’t want the girl there to watch me to make certain the bike fit right. What if I was riding wrong??? Better yet, what if I crashed? In the end, we drove away with a very nice bike (of course, Rowland was buying!) and a cute helmet and water bottle to match. Now came the real test…..could I actually ride it on a trail for several miles?

We met the Englishes at the park, and Grant and Amy admired my new bike. Grant asked where the cup holder was and said something about it being like a recliner before calling it a Grandma bike. Always the encourager!!! Friends closer than family, right?? Anyway, we took off on our ride to Main Street, ate a great lunch at Chipotle, and rode back to the park, all without incident. (Except that Carson dry-heaved on the side of the path because he forgot to eat breakfast.) Jia and Cayden rode in one of those pull-along carriers that Rowland pulled. Too much like her momma, Jia held her blanket, and when we stopped for lunch asked for a pillow! That’s my girl!!! William pulled in second place, and Kitty had to work her little legs off, but she beat me!!

The reason I did the whole thing was for the memory. Was it worth it? You bet!! It was a day I’ll never forget!!

Stopping for Lunch at Chipotle

Rowland with His Kid Carrier

Jia (with blanket - Where’s my pillow?) and Cayden

For those of you who know me - even a little - you know that I struggle with emotional stability. Basically, what that means is that I fall apart over the normal irritations of life even though in my mind, I know that falling apart is a waste of energy and stupid. I can handle the big things in life. It’s the little ones that seem to put me close to “the edge.” Generally, those things hit me in the middle of lots of other confusion going on around me. For example, last Tuesday, I took my children and an extra one to Taco Bell to drive through for lunch. As usual, I got lost in a neighborhood, and the extra kid told me that I was driving around in circles. He was right! We all laughed as we continued to drive past the same streets over and over again. We all laughed as we ordered and continued to make jokes the whole way home. What a fun mommy, right? What a great, fun time!! Within 30 minutes of our laughter, I went over “the edge.” (The extra child was gone by now.) I couldn’t find the hammer, and I wanted to finish hanging the last few items in the house. As I searched for the hammer, I began to look around the house and noticed all of the rooms that had children’s things left in them and also noticed that the kids’ rooms were not cleaned with beds made (a daily morning requirement). For some unknown reason, I felt this surge of emotion inside of me that I couldn’t control. I climbed onto the “mean mommy” broom and flew through the house barking orders. All the while, I’m crying uncontrollably. My children jumped into high gear and got everything cleaned up quickly while I laid in the middle of the living room floor and cried and cried and cried, angry with myself for who I had become in a matter of moments over a stupid hammer and a couple of un-made beds. Of course, once my “fit” was over, I apologized to the children for being such a witch and tried to make it up to them as best as I could.

Today, same song, second (or 1,000,000th) verse….The girls and I crawled into bed together and loved on each other this morning. We got up and went downstairs where I made them cinnamon rolls for breakfast. We visited while I got the dirty clothes together to begin the laundry. I casually unloaded the dishwasher as we continued to visit. William came upstairs and ate with us, and all was well in the Smith house. After my shower, Jia continued to want to be held while I tried to get dressed for the day. (Rowland wanted us to go get our car tags this morning.) I could feel myself getting irritated, but I was determined to continue putting one nice foot in front of another. Then came the phone calls. I had to call Wal-Mart because I didn’t know which of my new contacts went into which eye. As expected, I was put on hold for an eternity. Finally, the girl got back on the line and told me she had five people in front of me, could I wait longer? No, thank you! I hung up and called my eye doctor for help. Once again, I was put on hold, but the wait was relatively short, and I was able to figure out my contacts. The next phone call was to Kaiser, my least favorite place on the planet. (In fact, if you don’t know Jesus, you will have Kaiser insurance when you die!) I called and held and held and held. Eventually, I spoke with a very nice girl who put me on hold again and again. In the end, I discovered that the prescription that I had ordered two weeks ago and that I should receive in 7 - 10 days was expected in their plant on Monday. They would get it out to me then. Actually, the answer didn’t irritate me at all. I expected that. It was the pain of waiting and waiting and waiting, all the while having Jia talk to me, walking around the house trying to get ready to go.

As I went to get in the car, I “ranted” to my husband about my morning. (He had been outside and missed all of the fun.) He doesn’t want to hear me rant. It doesn’t put him in a happy place either. In fact, it’s really unfair to him. I knew that the things that I was upset about were a waste of energy. I realize that they are “just life.” The question is…what am I suppose to do with those physiologically-based emotions that well up inside of me? I can’t throw things or break things. I’m not supposed to yell at my children or scream and curse. No one wants to hear me rant (me neither!). I do tell God how I feel. I tell Him that I know He’s promised to supply all my needs, and I believe that means my emotional needs as well. I have my quiet time every day; I journal every day; I work out every day; I take my medication every day; I shower every day. I do all of the things that I’m “supposed” to do, but nothing seems to work. I try to talk to myself, but I must not say the right things.

The bottom line is that I can’t handle “multi-tasking” life. I can’t handle the noise around me - the TV, the fan in the bathroom, the elevator music on the phone while I wait, the kids talking and playing, etc., etc. Do I have to go live on a deserted island somewhere to keep from throwing two year old tantrums? I have everything I’ve ever wanted in my whole life, and I love where we live. I love my husband and my four adorable children. I have a beautiful home with a little shopping money on the side. I have my good friend Amy here so I’m not alone and friendless. I’m even beginning to make other friends. God and I are on good terms most of the time. I spend time talking to Him and reading His Word (and not listening enough, I’m sure!). Even with everything in my life being so good, I have a chemical imbalance in my body that makes me “crazy,” and I HATE IT!!!!!! Is it the thorn in my flesh that Paul talks about (or the thorn in my poor family’s flesh?) or is it immaturity on my part? I don’t know, but I’m pretty damned tired of it!

Okay, I promise I’m not going to say much about this topic, but I’m going back to the Paris Hilton thing. Explain to me why Paris goes to prison for 25 days for driving with a suspended license, and Scooter Libby tells national secrets and lies about it and gets a fine. He does get “supervised release,” too, but no one knows how to handle his “supervised release” because normally, it’s after a sentence is served. I’m sick of pardons. In my opinion, you get a pardon because you know SOMEONE. Fair? I don’t think so. You do the crime, you do the time, right? Isn’t that the conservative adage? I’m not picking sides because both sides cheat in these situations. Funny how it depends on who you’re talking about! Do you realize that the prosecutor’s wife in the Paris case drove on a suspended license and wrecked a state vehicle just a couple of years ago? Do you know how much time she did? The same amount as Scooter Libby! She didn’t even pay to have the vehicle repaired.

I’m done with this topic, but I am ready for a little fair play across the board! I’m even considering purchasing the T-shirt I saw at the mall. It had a little Paris-dog on it with cute, over-sized pink sunglasses. In big words across the front, it said, “Free Paris.” Seems to me that that would’ve been fair!

I have the greatest middle schooler in the world. Don’t get me wrong. He is still a middle-schooler, but he is the greatest! Now, everyone at church (especially those closest to his age) realize that he is the greatest! After all, how many guys do you know who have long hair and play a cheese guitar? And he’s funny and will still love on his momma and little kids!

Carson Playing the Cheese

The Cheese Guitar with a Mouse with One Ear

Carson in the Log Cabin Being Goofy!

I also have a really cool 8 year old. You’d have to be cool with a name like Will Smith, though! He figured out the cool way to wear his bandana, but he’ll still participate in all of the VBS activities. He’s also good at Momma hugs!!!

Cool William Singing Praises

Princess KeKe-Doll is way more about the fashion, but she loves to sing and dance, too! She has made a ton of friends because of her big smile. Funny how every time I saw her, she had the team sign in her hand. Somehow, she fanagled that! Maybe just a little, bitty bit manipulative. (I don’t know where she gets that!)

Kitty Singing Praises

Then, there’s Jia, my attachment. She had to be moved up to the older group because she was in my class, and she wouldn’t let go of my thigh. When I would hold other children in my lap, she would tell me that she didn’t like it. There was no room for her! She did great in the older group, though. She had her best friend Cayden with her. (Each time we leave Cayden, Jia says in the saddest voice, “I’m never going to get to see Cayden again….” Maybe a little more manipulation!) She also LOVES to dance!

Jia with Cayden Singing Praises

We did have a great time at VBS, and besides the cold that the little munchkins gave me, we have nothing but great memories! Until next year…I’m done with teaching preschool!!!!! Yee-ha!! (As they say at Avalanche Ranch VBS)

JUNE 30, 2007 -
Today is Princess KeKe-Doll’s birthday. She’s 7, going on 16! Last night, she had two little girls spend the night. We went out for pizza, played, and watched “Flicka.” The girls were so sweet, but there was a lot of girl giggling going on!! The Polly Pockets they were playing with had very interesting conversations. Camber ended up staying all day which gave her a special birthday. Thank you, Camber. They played with their Webkins on the computer, played Polly Pockets, rode bikes and scooters outside, and Rowland even took them to the park! Tomorrow after church, we’ll continue the birthday with a trip to Red Robin for the waiters to sing, and Kitty to eat her birthday sundae. Happy Birthday, Princess!!!! We all love you tons!!!

Kitty with her chocolate cake - Sorry, Nana! She does like chocolate!!

Camber giving her Polly Pockets

Opening Hollynn’s gift - a stuffed pony and purple wiggle ball

Every little girl’s dream - a Barbie bike!!

The girls playing outside