I am absolutely dumbstruck! I just read the news of the day and saw that Leona Helmsley’s freakin’ dog named Trouble just inherited $12 million from her estate. The crazy old witch actually set up a trust fund for her stupid dog!!! When the dog dies, it’s to be buried alongside her and her husband in their mausoleum. PPPPPPLLLLLLEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEE!!!!!!! She even left money for the person who’s going to take care of the dog. It’s a freakin’ DOG! She left $5 million to each of two of her grandchildren and left nothing for the other two for reasons that they would supposedly understand. But she left $12 million to a stupid mutt named Trouble!!! $12 MILLION TO A DOG!!!

We have to use a sweeper under our kitchen table after every meal or the ants make a line to whatever is left. William and Kitty love to stomp on the line of ants from the window to the table. This morning, I was sitting eating breakfast with my three little ones. As we were eating, Kitty looked up at me and said, “Momma, we shouldn’t kill the ants anymore. They pick up the food so that we don’t have to vacuum it up!” Hmmm……

Rowland and I are starting a new Life Group, and we’re very excited about it. We’re excited about the people in our group and watching the group grow closer as time moves on. We’re hopeful and prayerful that God will draw those in the group closer to Him and that we can share some great God stories. We went to a confab (look it up - it’s a real word, not one invented by Grant English - actually “confabulation,” I think - still no idea what it means even after he gave us the definition!) a couple of weekends ago for those who are Life Group leaders or wannabes. It was excellent. Truly. Grant definitely has the Life Group concept down. I felt majorly challenged and definitely aware of my weaknesses and need for good, quality time spent with God in His Word and in prayer.

This isn’t our first Life Group that we’ve started. We had an awesome one in Little Rock. Some of my best memories, most treasured times, and most treasured friends were in that Life Group. It was a group full of transparent, broken people who really loved and cared for each other. When Life Group would end, Rowland and I would just sit in awe of the way that God was working in so many lives, the way that people were so open with hurts, shortcomings, desires, etc. I think that we were the same way. Anyone who knows me knows that what you see is what you get. Then came REAL LIFE in the Smith household…..

REAL LIFE knocked me on my butt, hard and fast, and I was down for the count for a good year, my last year in Little Rock. I had a nervous breakdown, plain and simple. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t answer the phone. I couldn’t take care of my children. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t do anything but sit on my deck all day and into the night. Literally.

In our Life Group, we had preached transparency, life-walking through difficult times, lifting each other up, and sometimes carrying each other. Everyone had responded well. People poured out their lives and allowed us the privilege of walking through the crap with them. So what happened when I got knocked on my butt? We withdrew - completely. Now, in our defense, I was incapable of really anything. The mere thought of being around people put me into major panic attack mode. (I couldn’t even go to the mall, my haven!) Each time the phone would ring, I would feel like I was going to fall onto the floor in a ball and cry. My poor husband didn’t know what to do. He received poor counsel (hind-sight is always 20-20) to just circle the wagons and to heck with everyone else. So that’s what we did. I worked hard to do the things that I was “supposed” to do. I was on major drugs and in intensive therapy. Rowland was still sharing with Grant (bless his heart!) and probably should’ve gone through some therapy on how to deal with a crazy wife. Bottom line, though, we ran FROM the very group of people we should’ve run TO. Rowland feels like he probably should’ve given updates to the group for prayer. He still feels like he had to protect me (which I’m so thankful for), but perhaps there could’ve been a way to do that and still allow that Group who had allowed us “in” to be a part of our crap.

At the confab, Ray talked a little about getting pulled into the water by people in your group. What then? It just got me to thinking about how I want to handle the future when Rowland and I are going under for the third time, and we’re the leaders of the group. It’ll happen again. Hopefully, it’ll look different, but God refines us in those weak times so I know it’ll come. I want to be able to hang in the group and allow them to life-walk with us, just as we’re asking them to allow us to do with them. My prayer is that God will knit us all so closely together that we will all be drawn to Him and to each other.

My heart truly aches when I think about how deeply I hurt those people in my Life Group, how I abandoned them at my time of need. Several of those people were family to us and to our children. One thing I’ve learned is that life goes on, and relationships sometimes can’t really be mended no matter the apologies or forgiveness involved. I’m really sad for that, really, really sad. Those people are truly missed. I’d change it all if I could…..Seems that all I can do now is try to do better this time around.

I have the same stupid dream over and over and over again. I’ve had it for years. It may change a little, but the bottom line is always the same…..will I be able to graduate? Sometimes, I’m graduating college, but often, I’m graduating high school. The basic situation is that I haven’t been to some class for quite a while (must be college), and the year is ending without my knowing if my professor or school will let me turn in all of my work. I always have this panicked feeling, wondering what I should do and looking around for someone to fix it. Last night in my dream, I had gone to my parents’ house to visit for a few days, the last few days of high school. It was Monday, and I wanted to wait until Tuesday to fly back, but the last day of school was Wednesday. I needed someone to call and ask if I could still turn everything in on Wednesday and graduate. I was desperately trying to to find someone to call for me. In the end, I woke up to Jia asking for juice so I don’t know if I graduated or not.

There is probably some dream guru out there who could explain it all to me. I have some ideas of my own. In high school, I made good grades, but I always missed the maximum number of days possible. My mom let me because my grades were good. Sometimes I would feel like I had come to the party late, so to speak. I always did my make-up work, though, and nothing bad ever happened. In college, I missed more classes than I attended. (That’s why I’m an English major. I can read a piece of work and write about it. I don’t need a professor for that. Perfect major for a class skipper!) I’d sit in the Student Union and enjoy my social time. It was actually the perfect set-up for my personality. I even remember once that I bought “Hard Times” by Dickens for a class that I was taking. I couldn’t figure out why we never read it. Well, right there on my final was a whole question about it. Hmmmm……the rest of the class must’ve read it and discussed it while I was visiting with my friends in the Student Union. Once again, though, I was rescued. I could choose a certain number of questions to answer so I obviously skipped that one!! I can even remember going to class wondering if I’d missed any tests or if we might even be having one that day. Fortunately for me, my profs stuck to the schedule!

Now that I’ve analyzed where this dream is coming from, I’ve figured out how to make it disappear. First thing this morning, I told myself that I have graduated from high school. Put it to rest. I also reminded myself that I have graduated from college. Put it to rest, too. I’m going to spend this day celebrating my graduations in my mind. Maybe I can finally get rid of this stupid but disturbing dream. Happy Graduation Day to me!!! (Gifts accepted!)

Yesterday I took my Chinese princess to the Chinese Center not too far from our house (actually very close to the mall…smile). The director, Yu Li, spent some time with her and determined that she definitely does remember her Chinese. At one point, Jia was across the room, and the director told her in Chinese to put down what she was playing with and come back to where we were sitting. Jia did it!!! She asked her what different items were in Chinese, and Jia would answer her in English. Of course, Yu Li told me what I already knew, which is that Jia is very bright!! She’s going to start taking a class on Thursday for one hour in Chinese. I’m hoping I haven’t just added something to my schedule and that it will be worthwhile for her. I think if she has Chinese in that smart brain of hers, I need to help her keep it and grow. Of course, one day soon, I’m anticipating her chewing me out in Chinese, then smiling her sweet smile and telling me how much she loves me! Amy’s anticipating it, too, which brings me little comfort!! Here goes!!!

I’m HOME ALONE!!!!!!! With Jia’s starting school today, now everyone is officially in school!!! Life is good!!! Jia goes all day on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays to a pre-kindergarten class at Trinity Lutheran School. She loves her teacher already and has been sooooooo excited about starting. She asks me every day when she gets to go! She walked in like a big girl with a big smile and barely even kissed her momma (also known as her extra appendage) good-bye! She did ask me how many minutes it would be until I picked her up, which made me feel a little more loved.

Jia on her first day with the sun in her eyes (oops!)

Carson was the first to start school. He and I are stilll not sure if he attends Sagewood Middle School or Sagewood Junior High. Either way, he started 7th grade last Monday. While he still likes Dartmouth in San Jose better, he is beginning to enjoy his new school. He already has friends from the neighborhood so that part of the transition was easy for him. He and his buddy Dominic (whom I adore) walk to school every morning at 6:50. He does let me take him on band days when Dom can’t walk, but he likes to walk home as well. I enjoy his walk home because he calls me from his cell phone and talks to me all the way. That’s a special time for me when I have him all to myself.

Sorry, Carson!! Sun’s in his eyes, too!!

William and Kitty started last Wednesday. They were able to attend Mountain View Elementary for the last 11 days of school so the school isn’t new to them. They already have friends and know their way around the campus. They ride the bus each morning which picks them up from the park across the street from our house. It’s easy to get them out the door, too, since they like to meet their friends at the park early to play for a while before the bus comes. They also enjoy riding the bus home. I’ve figured out that bus time is more of a social time than when I pick them up. Even though they get home late, they love the time with their friends.

My tall, handsome William with his fashionista sister walking to the bus stop

Monday is cleaning day so I’m back to work in a nice quiet house without anyone asking me for anything. I’m loving the quiet, although I check backpacks every day for notes from the teachers telling me they want/need my help. I’m ready to get back into the classrooms and start volunteering again. For now, I’ll just enjoy being HOME ALONE!!!!

I really love my children! And I’m not just saying that because they’ve started school - well, I might be, but I still mean it. Starting with Carson - I know that I’m always writing about what a crack-up he is, but that kid makes me laugh like no one can. Unfortunately, he has my brother Douglas and my sense of humor. I hope he finds a wife who thinks he’s as funny as I do. Yesterday, we headed to the orthodontist #2. We went after school, and we had to drive 40 minutes because the ortho was on our insurance. The whole way there, Carson’s teasing me about torturing him. He seems to truly believe that my goal in life is to torture him. I told him about a new contraption that I bought to extract the three blackheads that have permanently imbedded themselves into his nose. Of course, he was thrilled beyond words! He started calling the tool my “torture toy.” We laughed and laughed. Then, we get to the orthodontist, and he laughs about getting used to being “abducted by the x-ray lady.” It’s kind of true. At both orthodontists, I sit down to fill out the paperwork, and x-ray lady swoops in and takes him to a room where a “flying saucer” flies all the way around his head taking pictures. Then, they bring him back to me. Once we saw the orthodontist, we both knew right away that he was not the one for us. As Carson put it, he looked at the x-rays and said, “We’ll pull two teeth on top and two on bottom, then stick him in braces in two weeks.” Not a lot of thought going into his decision. He also blamed Amy for having to go to the orthodontist because I told him that she said if the dentist said he needed to go, he should go. He was thrilled with her and ragged on her for the next few minutes! The whole time, my head was killing me, and I still couldn’t stop laughing! He’s just got this really cool, dry sense of humor - just like Douglas! I love it!

Next is William…..what a lovebug that kid is! He’d just about rather cuddle up with me than anything else. He comes and finds me and gives me hugs numerous times a day for no reason whatsoever. He’s so sensitive and defends me when the other kids are not minding and giving me a hard time. Of course, what he says is not the best. He says, “Stop it. You’re going to make mom upset.” He’s my little protector. And he is really smart. He loves to read and give me little-known facts. He’s also great at following direction. Rowland put lists on each of the children’s doors. These lists are basically their “work” for the morning or night. William gets his work done! He just goes right down the list and takes care of his stuff. He’s also great on house cleaning days because he takes his assignments and gets them done. He doesn’t whine about it because that would take too much time. Just give that boy a job, and you know it’ll get taken care of! You know his wife is going to love making her “honey do” lists!

Then comes Kitty….the fashionista! The girl has style coming out her pores. She dresses with style, she walks with style, she talks with style (or is that a little sass?)….. She LOVES to shop just like her momma! I remember a couple of years ago, she was sleeping with us, and she woke up crying from a bad dream. I asked her what was wrong, and she said that she needed to go to Kohls for Evergirl Fashions! I guess her biggest nightmare is that I won’t let her be fashionable! She loves to sing and dance and would like to put on a different outfit for every song. She’s also a drama queen. Everything she says and everything she does is SOOOOOO dramatic. I think that’s why she makes a lot of friends. She’s very friendly and outgoing. Last year in California, she knew almost every kid at the school by the time the year was over. She had friends in every grade, and they’d all holler when she’d walk by with me, “Hi, Kitty! Hi, Kitty!” And she was all about the hugs, too! She’s got to be the huggingest little girl around! And I love those hugs!!!!

Last but definitely not least is Jia!! That little Chinese angel has my heart wrapped all around her. I couldn’t love her more. She LOVES her momma, too! She has to touch me ALL the time. She is constantly rubbing my leg or pulling on my shirt or lying in my arms or asking to be held. The child cannot get enough of me. She loves to play a game where I ask her, “Am I Carson’s mommy?” She says, “No” and laughs. “Am I William’s mommy?” “No.” “Am I KeKe’s mommy?” “No.” “Am I Jia’s mommy?” “YES!!!!!” Then, lots of giggles!!! She and I went to the mall yesterday, and she took her stroller with her little Chinese babydoll in it. She pushed that baby all over the mall. The baby’s name is Xiao Li, and Jia loves being her mommy. She also loves to dance, and she call tell you the artist for any song she hears in a store or restaurant. Don’t ask me how she knows them all, but she does. She knows most of the words, too! Maybe she and KeKe can be the singers for William and Carson’s rock band, and we’ll all be famous someday!

Some days are so hard, and I wonder if I can make it through another day. Other days, like today, my heart is so full of love and thankfulness that I’m totally overwhelmed! Thank you, Jesus, for loaning me these four precious babies!! I couldn’t ask for anything more!

The Kids at Gilroy Gardens in California

Okay, so maybe I’m not a chef, but I did cook dinner again last night. One of my issues with cooking is that there is always a sad face at the table. It’s hard to make six people happy. I made a great (and very easy) lasagna last night at Carson’s request. Once all was ready, I told Rowland that I dreaded everyone else coming to the table because I didn’t want to see any sad faces. They know that they can’t verbally trash dinner, but they definitely make it very obvious how they feel!

After William thanked God for the dinner (which he seldom wants to do), I excused myself to go make up the girls’ bed with clean sheets. A few minutes into the meal, I heard William ask for seconds!!! I screamed downstairs, “I love you, William!!!!!!!” Then, Kitty asked for seconds. Carson and Jia both came and gave me a hug and told me how good the lasagna was. Rowland enjoyed it as well and even did the dishes for me! I told them that if everyone would make me feel that good about cooking every night, I’d love doing it, and they’d get more home-cooked meals!!! (besides mac and cheese or hot dogs!!) They went to bed with full tummies, and I went to bed a happy chef!!

Check out Rowland’s blog, www.worshipdude.com, for pictures and details about his fishing trip in New Mexico with Carson. It’s so cool that Carson’s old enough and interested in fly fishing with his dad. I remember when he was just a baby, and Rowland would talk about how he couldn’t wait until Carson was old enough to go fishing with him. What a special time for them!

Also, William has had two baseball practices, and his dad is enjoying throwing balls and practicing with him. According to Rowland and William’s coach, William has quite a good throwing arm! He’s so excited about finally being able to play baseball, although he has mentioned that it’s a lot more work than he had anticipated!! Watch Rowland’s blog for pictures and details about baseball, too!

I’m sad today. It’s just me….. Rowland and Carson, my number 1 and number 2 men, left for a fishing trip in New Mexico. They’re so excited, and I am excited for them, but I will really miss them. When Rowland’s gone, I’m okay because Carson’s still here. Now that he’s gone, too, it’s just me in a new place with my three little ones. Hmmmm…… The Englishes are on vacation, too……. I ate too much for breakfast, and my face is breaking out…… I’ve been working on financial stuff all morning and have my checkbook totally screwed up (not the first or last times!)….. I’d like to have a date with my husband, but he’s gone all weekend, and when he gets back, he’s going to the movies with my son and his youth group…… Then, I have to be on top of my game for 700,000 back to school nights. As tired as I am of back to school nights, why do we have them every year and for every grade and every school and every teacher…….even Jia? Of course, I can skip hers, but then her teacher will do a home visit! (You’ve got to be kidding! She’s four!) All that to say, it’s just me……… Don’t try to call. I’m probably not answering the phone. It messes up my pity party! Besides, sometime today I have to take a shower so that I can take Kitty to her first gymnastics class. The ball is about to get rolling really fast!!! Then, I’ll be wishing it was just me…..