Rowland and I are starting a new Life Group, and we’re very excited about it. We’re excited about the people in our group and watching the group grow closer as time moves on. We’re hopeful and prayerful that God will draw those in the group closer to Him and that we can share some great God stories. We went to a confab (look it up - it’s a real word, not one invented by Grant English - actually “confabulation,” I think - still no idea what it means even after he gave us the definition!) a couple of weekends ago for those who are Life Group leaders or wannabes. It was excellent. Truly. Grant definitely has the Life Group concept down. I felt majorly challenged and definitely aware of my weaknesses and need for good, quality time spent with God in His Word and in prayer.

This isn’t our first Life Group that we’ve started. We had an awesome one in Little Rock. Some of my best memories, most treasured times, and most treasured friends were in that Life Group. It was a group full of transparent, broken people who really loved and cared for each other. When Life Group would end, Rowland and I would just sit in awe of the way that God was working in so many lives, the way that people were so open with hurts, shortcomings, desires, etc. I think that we were the same way. Anyone who knows me knows that what you see is what you get. Then came REAL LIFE in the Smith household…..

REAL LIFE knocked me on my butt, hard and fast, and I was down for the count for a good year, my last year in Little Rock. I had a nervous breakdown, plain and simple. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t answer the phone. I couldn’t take care of my children. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t do anything but sit on my deck all day and into the night. Literally.

In our Life Group, we had preached transparency, life-walking through difficult times, lifting each other up, and sometimes carrying each other. Everyone had responded well. People poured out their lives and allowed us the privilege of walking through the crap with them. So what happened when I got knocked on my butt? We withdrew - completely. Now, in our defense, I was incapable of really anything. The mere thought of being around people put me into major panic attack mode. (I couldn’t even go to the mall, my haven!) Each time the phone would ring, I would feel like I was going to fall onto the floor in a ball and cry. My poor husband didn’t know what to do. He received poor counsel (hind-sight is always 20-20) to just circle the wagons and to heck with everyone else. So that’s what we did. I worked hard to do the things that I was “supposed” to do. I was on major drugs and in intensive therapy. Rowland was still sharing with Grant (bless his heart!) and probably should’ve gone through some therapy on how to deal with a crazy wife. Bottom line, though, we ran FROM the very group of people we should’ve run TO. Rowland feels like he probably should’ve given updates to the group for prayer. He still feels like he had to protect me (which I’m so thankful for), but perhaps there could’ve been a way to do that and still allow that Group who had allowed us “in” to be a part of our crap.

At the confab, Ray talked a little about getting pulled into the water by people in your group. What then? It just got me to thinking about how I want to handle the future when Rowland and I are going under for the third time, and we’re the leaders of the group. It’ll happen again. Hopefully, it’ll look different, but God refines us in those weak times so I know it’ll come. I want to be able to hang in the group and allow them to life-walk with us, just as we’re asking them to allow us to do with them. My prayer is that God will knit us all so closely together that we will all be drawn to Him and to each other.

My heart truly aches when I think about how deeply I hurt those people in my Life Group, how I abandoned them at my time of need. Several of those people were family to us and to our children. One thing I’ve learned is that life goes on, and relationships sometimes can’t really be mended no matter the apologies or forgiveness involved. I’m really sad for that, really, really sad. Those people are truly missed. I’d change it all if I could…..Seems that all I can do now is try to do better this time around.