I have everything in the world that I’ve ever wanted or even dreamed of having. My husband is a true prince among men. He continues to walk me through (carry me at times) my health issues as he loves me so completely, cares about my needs so deeply, and is the most fabulous hands-on daddy that anyone could ever desire. I have four of the most beautiful, precious children whom God ever made. Each of them is perfect in his/her own unique way, and each of them fills my heart and soul with love just as they fill my arms with hugs and my cheeks with kisses. I love the town in which we live, the beautiful mountains all around me, the sky so close you can almost touch it, the rolling hills and pastures, the “hometown” feel. I could not wish for a better church. I have amazing friends who love me, think I’m funny, make me laugh, and share their deepest hurts and highest dreams just as I do with them. My children go to wonderful schools where they are not just receiving a great education but where they have sweet friends and nurturing teachers/staff. I am so grateful for my home and our neighborhood and neighbors. My home is more than I ever thought that I would have; it’s decorated with things that have meaning to us, with pictures of our friends and family enjoying life together; it’s spacious enough for all of us to live here comfortably; and it is truly a place where I feel safe, secure, and “nested.” And last, but certainly not least, I have a true relationship with Jesus, with my Heavenly Father, with a God who is very real to me. I know that He loves me, that He’s near to me, that He’s concerned about my every thought, and that He has blessed me truly beyond measure!

So why is there still such a restlessness inside of me? Where does it come from? Is it the longing for the “not-always-responsible-for-every-little-thing” Kitty to surface on occasion? I feel the need to dance, to sing, to wave my hands in the air and release the inner me that seems to have gotten lost in Life. I want to throw the cares of Life into the wind for just a little while, to feel ALIVE. What does that even mean?

I want to be the sensual woman who must still exist inside the mommy and the wife and the housekeeper and the nurse. I want to be someone’s girlfriend (preferably my husband’s!!!)! I want to be unpredictable at times, to do somersaults and dance on the sidewalk! I want to laugh until tears pour from my eyes, and my stomach is in pain! Every once in a while, I want to shock and awe!

If you’ve been reading Rowland’s blog lately (www.worshipdude.com), you know that I may be a little high maintenance in the fashion department. I just want to look cute for my husband, though! That’s not a bad thing really. He should be glad that I care, right?

Well, he does have a few issues of his own. Before I share, I do want to preface this post by saying that I love my husband to death! (Isn’t that what he always says right before he discusses my “issues?”) One thing that drives Rowland freakin’ nuts is chipped nail polish on fingers or toes. When we were newly married, someone rang our doorbell one night, and he suggested that I go put on some socks because my toenail polish was chipped. Really. Now, in his defense, he is more than willing to paint my toes or pay to have them done. He’s even okay with my going without polish. He just thinks that polish should either be on or off. Choose and go with it.

During our wonderfully relaxing time at the cabin, I decided that I’d had too many WW points for the day and pulled out the jump rope to get a little exercise. I jumped rope on the front porch for a little while (and hated it - which is another story). When I took off my shoes, my nail polish was chipped, and one toe was even bare of all color! Normally, that would not be a problem because I ALWAYS take nail polish with me on trips JUST IN CASE. Not so this time. What to do? I couldn’t spend this lovely, relaxing, romantic time with my husband and have chipped toenails (even if I didn’t have cute shoes to show them off anyway). After all, I don’t want to make him nuts every time he sees my feet. Being the quick thinker that I am, I made an appointment at the spa today to have a pedicure! A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do!!!

No, I did NOT call myself a moron; however, I am an oxymoron! Webster says that an oxymoron is “a combination of contradictory words.” Some examples: sinfully good, sadly funny, house-trained dog, balanced insanity (a.k.a. Kitty), and my personal favorite Mr. Wise, the principal I had when I was teaching who was a total moron!

How am I an oxymoron? I don’t like a schedule. I don’t like for anyone to have control over my time. I live for, long for those days when I have nothing on my plate but lying on the bed, reading, watching The View or Grey’s Anatomy. A little laundry isn’t a big deal nor is straightening the house as long as I don’t have to answer the phone, get dressed at any certain time, run errands, or have any appointments. Even now, I’m CRAVING Friday when I’ll have a no-scheduled schedule (an oxymoron?)!

Here’s the contradiction, though. By the end of that day, I feel totally worthless and end up depressed. The solution? Get busy! So I volunteer in the schools more (today it’s two different schools), volunteer to lead a Bible study, sing on the worship team, organize the Newcomers Receptions at church, agree to lunches with friends, even sign up to be Secretary of the PTO. My schedule is full of field trips, helping in the classroom, spending time at church, talking to friends, running here and there and everywhere else. As I type this part, I am filled with anxiety, the stress of so many things to do and trying to keep them all straight in my head. And when will I nap? More stress! (But no depression - just stress headaches!)

Obviously, one might say that a happy medium is where the answer lies. That really doesn’t work for me since I’m not sure what a happy medium is. I like a busy schedule, yet I hate a busy schedule. I like to check off all of the things that I’ve gotten done, but my head usually hurts while I’m checking them off. I like to keep a well-organized calendar, yet all of the things that I have to do keep swirling around in my brain.

Today, I have a great day planned. I’m at the middle school this morning for a couple of hours collating registration packets. This afternoon, I’m in William’s class helping with production of their consumer projects. Somewhere in between, I need to send out an e-mail to the girls starting next week’s Bible study to let them know that I ordered books and the cost of each. Oh, yeah, and I need to run by the church during that in-between time to make copies of a letter to go out to all of the parents in Kitty’s class, the letter that I haven’t yet written! I’ll check William out of school early for his physical for camp. (I got confused - imagine that - and tried to take him to the doctor yesterday - wrong day - oops!) Then, I’ll come home, figure out dinner before sending my husband and Carson off to worship practice, getting the little ones showered and ready for bed, working out, and finally eating dinner at 9:00 when I curl up in my bed to watch the previously recorded Grey’s Anatomy. My heart’s racing, and I’m full of anxiety (or is it anticipation?). Will I enjoy each section of my day? Absolutely! Will I get it all done? Yes. Do I wish that I had nothing to do today? Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. See? I’m an oxymoron!

I just don’t get it! I’ve really tried to understand this whole Facebook phenomenon. I’ve tried to participate by accepting invitations, extending invitations, even writing a thing or two on people’s walls. I’ve taken quizzes that were sent to me. I’ve looked at people’s pictures and at who knows whom. I just don’t get it! Do you have to spend hours just going from one person’s page to the next checking out “what they’re doing right now?” When is the appropriate time to post what you happen to be doing at that exact moment? How often do you share that information? Who really cares? If I want to know what you’re doing, I’ll call and ask you or send you an e-mail. If you want to know what I”m doing, you can call and ask me. (I probably won’t answer the phone because I’m either busy doing something or I don’t feel like sharing what I’m doing! But you’re welcome to try!)

Just today, someone in China wrote on my wall “Kitty…..Really…..” Obviously, he’s responding to something that I wrote on his wall, but I checked back through his wall, and I can’t find anywhere where I wrote anything. Maybe he’s responding to something I wrote on someone else’s wall. Either way, I have no clue what his message means and no way to track it down. What kind of system of communication is that?

And no offense to those who are my age or older, but what in the heck are you doing on Facebook? It has to be like “new math,” something we’re not even supposed to understand! We’re not going to be young and cool no matter how many friends we have or how many people write on our walls. (What is a “wall” anyway?) Give it up!

I guess I’ll keep accepting friend requests since I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. After all, most of the people are already my friends anyway. Beyond that, I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’ve entered a foreign world every time I get on Facebook, a world where one could waste hours and hours just finding out what everyone’s doing right now. In my opinion, they don’t need to post what they’re doing. If they’re on Facebook, they’re wasting the same hours I am!

Desperate Housewives is my FAVORITE television show. And, no, it’s not because I’m a desperate housewife!! I love the characters, and I relate most to Susan. Susan is emotional, reactionary, and a little ditzy, all qualities that can often be seen in my life. Edie is a desperate single woman who would steal anyone’s man and should have the mantra “all’s fair in love and war” tattooed on her forehead. (I have a feeling that I used to be an Edie before Rowland rescued me from myself!) Lynette has a gazillion kids (okay, I can relate to that part), but she is too level-headed, too analytical, and likes to have a career, none of which mirrors me. I wish that I could be Gabi. Yes, it definitely scares my husband when I say that! I love how conniving she is, how self-absorbed to the point of being humorous, how absolutely gorgeous she is, how she does those mean things that go through my mind but that I could NEVER do…. Then there’s Bree, the always put-together, perfectly OCD (obsessive compulsive), Ms. Make-Everything-Look-Okay-on-the-Outside NO MATTER WHAT!

While this show may seem like fluff to many people, there are actually lessons to be learned (besides how to bake a perfect pie, how to steal a man, how to beat up your husband when he’s down, etc., etc.). This week, poor Susan who is pregnant had an emotional moment - actually a couple of emotional moments. Bree, with all of her sympathy garnished into one beautiful basket, told Susan to JUST STOP CRYING. When Susan didn’t know how (often a problem of mine once I get going really well!), Bree explained her most unhealthy way of dealing with her own emotions. She simply pictures an empty box, pours all of the things that she doesn’t want to think about, those things that are upsetting to her, into that empty box. After placing the lid tightly on the box, she imagines placing the box on a shelf in a closet full of empty boxes. She then calmly closes the closet door securely and goes about her day. I’m pretty sure she was describing “stuffing her emotions,” but what a beautiful image!

My goal for each day now is to spend just a few minutes pulling out an empty box, pouring my frustration into it, putting the lid on tightly, and placing the box on a shelf in my imaginary closet. Hopefully, I’ve imagined a big enough closet!!!

Rowland and I joined a couple of friends of ours last Monday night and signed up for Weight Watchers. None of us have much weight to lose, but we thought it’d be fun to do it together. We did have a good time at the meeting. We giggled and trired to come up with ways to “cheat” before we even started! Rowland came up with a great marketing idea for getting more men to sign up for the program since he and our friend were the only men present. Rowland’s great idea - On the average, men get more “points” (points = food, basically) than women. Rowland felt sorry for me (right!) because I had almost half of the points that he had. His generous solution - “I’ll trade you points for sex!” Genius marketing plan! You can imagine how many times I’ve been offered extra points in the last few days!!!

Since I did WW a few years ago, I know how the program works. I have basically tried to live within a maintenance plan for the last three years. Most days, I only a few more points than I have allowed for the weight-loss segment of the plan. You’d think those few points were liquid gold! Now that I don’t have those extra points, all I can think about is how freakin’ hungry I am, how weak I feel, how I need sooooo much more food! Last night, I had a dream that I was at the Olympics. I was watching this amazing helicopter racing event. (I have a feeling that it’s not going to be in the Olympics any time soon!) Throughout the race, I was obsessed with the cinnamon rolls that were being sold only a few feet away from where I was sitting. I kept trying to calculate the points for those ENORMOUS, dripping-with-icing, melt-in-your-mouth cinnamon rolls. I woke up looking for the cinnamon rolls, but alas, all I could find was my morning Power Bar!

It’s amazing! I go on a diet, and all I can think about it what I can’t eat! (or actually what I don’t have enough points to eat!) Fortunately, I only have seven more pounds to lose so it won’t be too longterm.

I’ve discovered in life that those “forbidden fruits” are the same way for me. As soon as I taste them (even mentally), I am obsessed with them. They consume my thoughts and take over my very life. Not until I throw myself on my face before God, beg for His forgiveness, and place myself back in His loving arms, am I able to see that “forbidden fruit” for what it truly is, consequences and even death.

I need to continually remind myself when I’m “starving,” that only my God can satisfy that hunger and remove the desire for all of those “extra points!”

I just had a couple more comments on the Oprah dialogue. One is that while we’re shining light on the dark, let’s be careful not to beat the lost with the flashlight! Jesus showed love and compassion to the lost. Who were the ones he verbally attacked? The religious leaders - a good lesson for us all!

Secondly, please take the time to read the quote posted by Deb under the original Oprah blog. It’s a quote from Barak Obama describing his conversion experience, and it is definitely worth the read. As Deb said, whether you agree with him politically or not, his conversion experience should not be questioned. I would go on to say that the Christians who created the slanderous video linking him “religiously” to Oprah and Tolle owe Obama a HUGE apology!

There is a growing interest in Oprah’s latest spiritual endeavor that is causing much uproar in the Christian community. As I have thought about this new path that she has taken and others are following as well, I have come up with a few ideas of my own on the subject. Specifically, Oprah is following a man named Eckhart Tolle’s belief system as outlined in his previous book The Power of Now and his newest book A New Earth. She is offering an online class (not an online church) with Mr. Tolle as the teacher as she sits next to him discussing his ideas.

If you are a Christian, you probably know that the Bible teaches that we are not to follow any man or any man’s teachings. We have to know the Word, and if the Holy Spirit lives inside of us (and He does), He will give us the discernment that we need. And we should be praying for those who are following ALL of the false teachers in the world.

Of course, I totally disagree with Oprah and with Tolle, but she is not someone to whom I’ve ever looked for spiritual wisdom or guidance. She’s a TALK SHOW HOST who’s obviously very misguided, but so are the Tom Cruises and John Travoltas who preach Scientology and the Richard Geres who preach Buddhism and the Shirley Maclaines who teach reincarnation…..The list goes on and on.

A video has recently been placed on YouTube (youtube.com/watch?v=JW4LLwkgmqA) put together by Our Eyes Are Open Ministries. After searching online, I was not able to find anything about this ministry, but the video it has produced calls this new movement “the largest church ever,” the “Church of Oprah,” and states that viewers watching Oprah and Tolle’s online class were put into a “mass trance.” (To me as I observed this “mass trance,” it was simply a moment of meditation, similar to what has been practiced in other religions for centuries.) The video presents another book called Don’t Drink the Kool-Aid - Oprah, Obama, and the Occult by Carrington Steele. According to www.csteeleonline.com, this book documents Oprah’s evolution into the person she is today and how she arrived at her current belief system.

To me, the most disturbing (and truthfully, irritating) part of the video was that it denounces Barak Obama because Oprah has come out in support of him. The Steele web page says that it his “sudden rise in power” is “creepy.” The Kool-Aid book ties Oprah, Obama, and the Occult together and suggests that the same brainwashing techniques used on POWs are being used on Oprah’s show. (Obviously, the Kool-Aid reference is to the Jim Jones’ Mass Suicide.) Just recently, I have seen Obama interviewed talking about his personal relationship with Jesus, his conversion, and his seeking the Lord (his terminology). Once again, the Christian organization that put together the youtube video, while full of great intentions, has attacked a fellow believer because an unbeliever, Oprah, supports him. Wonder how many unbelievers supported George W. or Bill Clinton, both of whom are professed followers of Christ.

We don’t need to fear Muslims or Jews or Buddhists or Scientologists or Oprahs or whomever. Since the beginning of time, people have denied God, and many of those who have accepted God have denied His Son. As Christ followers, God has not called us to take up arms against those who disagree with us. The call is the same as it has always been — We are to love God with all of our hearts and love others. It’s God’s responsibility to draw people to Him. We don’t have to protect people from false prophets (although speaking the truth in love is a definite option!) or try to bring down those who are preaching lies.

I would challenge those of us who call ourselves Christians to pray for Oprah and for Tolle and pray for those who are still seeking the Truth yet looking in the wrong places. Then, we need to get up and LOVE GOD and LOVE OTHERS REALLY WELL!!!!!

I first became a practicing bulimic when I was 20 years old. I had a crappy boyfriend who actually encouraged me to throw up. That, coupled with a low self-image and about 30 extra pounds, plunged me into the world of binge-eating and purging.

For those who don’t understand eating disorders, there’s a great book called Understanding and Overcoming Anorexia and Bulimia. After the birth of my first child almost 13 years ago, I was a stay-at-home mom who was obsessed with getting back my pre-pregnancy body. After all, that was my identity. I NEEDED to feel sexy and appealing to others - first and foremost, above all else. As my bulimia took over my life more and more, I knew that I had to get help. I knew for the first time that I was killing myself. I would take my newborn baby to the grocery store and buy Captain Crunch cereal, marshmallows and Rice Krispies for Rice Krispy Treats, chocolate candy bars, ice cream, Velveeta and Rotel for cheese dip, and chips, then go home to eat all day and throw up all day. By the time my husband got home from work, I was a wreck. My electrolytes were screwed up so that I physically and emotionally felt wretched. When I would feel that familiar feeling, I would quickly feed my body some peanut butter to get myself back in balance. I was terrified of going into a coma or passing out with the baby by myself. I finally began counseling at 29.

I’d love to say that I completed counseling and never had another episode. The reality of an eating disorder is much different than that. Unlike an alcoholic who avoids alcohol completely, a person with an eating disorder still has to have daily encounters with food. The body image issues are deep rooted, often related to various situations in childhood. In my opinion, a person never fully recovers from an eating disorder. Instead, you just acquire the tools needed to keep it under control.

For me, I avoid Mexican food most of the time. Cheese dip is a huge “trigger” food for me. Ice cream is another one. Junk cereal is also a trigger for me. Pizza used to be, but thankfully, I’ve learned to enjoy it in moderation. Seldom will you find “trigger” foods in my house. I used to feel bad for Rowland and the kids that they can’t have these things around, but I’ve learned that my health, both physical and mental, is more important in their lives than their being able to have ice cream any time!

I’ve also learned through the years that I become very anxious when a special occasion is coming up. Preparing for the cruise that we’re going on in February is an excellent example. Rowland and I will have 9 days together in the sun! I’m excited, but the stress of wearing a bathing suit, wearing evening gowns, fitting into my shorts, and just feeling good about my body while we’re on this “special” vacation have thrown me into a whirlwind of distressing thoughts. Instead of being able to buckle down and make good food choices and work out a little more consistently, I become obsessed with all of the bad choices that I make, causing me to make even more bad choices, causing me to end up back in the binge/purge cycle. Yes, at 42 years old as a mother of four and the wife of a pastor, I still fall into the trap! The good news is that I recognize the warning signs, and I’m able to get myself out of the hole before I get into a longterm cycle.

I have a very good friend who has been placed in my life partly because of her healthy attitude about her body and dieting. She has helped me IMMENSELY. She doesn’t have a size 2 perfect body, but she’s a very pretty girl who is very healthy. She doesn’t obsess about whether or not her “skinny jeans” fit. When she decides she needs to lose a few pounds, she just gets on a healthy eating plan and does it. Or she doesn’t do it. Either way, she doesn’t allow her weight or size to keep her from making choices about whether or not she’s going to enjoy life. She controls her weight; it doesn’t control her. (You know who you are, and I LOVE YOU!!!)

I HATE that I can’t look in a mirror and feel good about what I see looking back at me. I HATE that when I think about being intimate with my husband, I worry about what he’ll see or feel. I HATE that I feel uncomfortable even going to the mall or to the school to volunteer if I’ve gained even 2 -3 pounds. I HATE that when I think about going on vacation with my husband and two of our closest friends, I worry about what I’m going to look like in my bathing suit. I want to feel good about who I am, not what I look like. God has done a lot of work on me, but I’ve definitely not “arrived.”

I’m not sure why I felt led to write about my struggles, but now I’ve done it. Perhaps someone will read this and be encouraged, not feel alone. Satan loves for us to hide our crap, to feel ashamed. While he may still have small victories in my body image department, he won’t defeat me! And I won’t quit fighting to make sure that my girls don’t have the same issues that I have. I want to be a positive role model for them, to encourage them to feel healthy, not to strive for “skinny.” Someday, I want to ask my husband, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” and believe him when he says, “no.”

This morning Carson and I became a little “sideways” before he left for school. It wasn’t anything major, but I knew that his feelings were hurt. As he was leaving, the memory of Columbine and other school shootings flashed through my mind, and I thought, “What if something like that happened to him today?” I hurriedly yelled down, “I love you, Carson!” before he left the house. I just didn’t want something to happen and that be my last memory (or his last thoughts either).

Yesterday, when Carson got home from school, he was telling me about the experiences of one of his teachers when she taught in a school in Alabama. She told the students about the school being “locked down” because of rival gang activity and of shootings in the school. Evidently, it was a very rough place to be. She even had a game plan of what exactly she would do if her classroom was under attack. Imagine living in an environment like that.

Things have changed so much. I never worried when I was in school that another student would come into the room and start shooting students or teachers. Even when I did my student teaching in a rough high school in Little Rock, I worried about being caught in the crossfire, not being the subject of a random attack. When I taught school in a rough middle school, I worried about being caught in the middle of a couple of girls’ fighting, not about being attacked myself or having my students attacked.

Carson’s middle school has a security guard at the front door. William and Kitty’s elementary school has locked doors with a doorbell and “peephole.” While I am grateful for the extra security measures, it makes me sad that that is “normal” now. We are in a nice, rather rural area. Our schools are nice with good administration and teachers. The kids all look painfully the same. Yet, school violence is still a very real possibility, something that is actually planned for “just in case.”

In addition to being concerned about who Carson’s friends are, how he’s doing in school, what temptations he’s dealing with, I also have to be concerned about his safety at school. It’s definitely enough to wear a momma out!