Deep breaths….deep breaths….deep breaths….deep breaths…..relax your neck….relax your neck….relax your body….relax your body….deep breaths…..deep breaths…..NOT WORKING!

Five kids…a LOT! Too many? Who would I give back? No one.

Deep breaths….relax your jaw….deep breaths….knots in the stomach….breathe into that space….deep breaths…..

God, You have promised to give me what I NEED, not necessarily what I want. I NEED Your help, Heavenly Father……..

Life is overwhelming…..schedule is always overpacked….where do I hide? Beneath Your wings, Father? Cover me…..

More deep breaths….one thing at a time….one foot in front of the other….deep breaths….deep breaths…..

In my weakness, Father, You are strong. You are my refuge. I’m running, Father. Do you see me? Of course? Will you catch me? Of course.

Deep breaths…deep breaths….one step at a time….recognize the stress and de-fuse from it….deep breaths….deep breaths….

Relax….I lie down in Your arms, Father….I rest in You….

Why am I up at 2:15 in the morning worrying about the work that my middle schooler hasn’t finished for school tomorrow? I know that I’m going to get him up at 5:40 to finish it, and I know that he’ll be sitting at the dining room table as soon as he gets home from school finishing a project that I wanted finished last night. I have no plans to go wake him up from where he fell asleep studying for a test so why can’t I just roll over, let it go, and sleep? He’s sleeping just fine.

I suppose it’s because I’ve learned (finally after 43 freakin’ years) that I live in a “just one more thing” mode. I’ve known for years now that there are certain things that I have to have done before I can leave the house even if doing so makes me late. For example, I can’t leave dishes in the sink, and my bed has to be made. My list used to be a lot longer, but since punctuality is something I’ve been working on, I’ve had to shorten the list. Still…..there’s always one more thing.

This morning, I took little Kitty to school, and on the way, she realized that she didn’t have her book for reading to the class or her tennis shoes for P.E. Deciding that she could be a few minutes late, I turned around and let her go back for them, something I don’t usually do. Of course, as soon as she got to school, she realized that she didn’t have her homework from the night before. It was lying on the stairs that she had climbed up and down numerous times. Knowing that it was hard work and knowing that I would be out of the house in only a couple of hours, I told her that I would drop it by the school so that she wouldn’t have to go to study hall and re-do it. Once again, I don’t normally take homework left at home back to the school. Suffer the consequences and move on; however, today I decided that I really didn’t mind.

Upon returning home, I sat down at the computer to e-mail Carson’s teachers about some make-up work, which ended up taking me a good hour. That led to my answering a couple of e-mails that had to do with the first service Sunday which led to my checking my bank balance which led to……10:10 and Rowland’s phone call. We had to take Carson to get his passport, and we both had to be present. He was finished with his morning tasks and was ready to go. After asking for an hour to get ready and get Jia ready, I remembered that I hadn’t called in Rowland’s prescription refill. It was just one little thing so I quickly phoned it in to the pharmacy. As I was getting in the shower, I received a text message from Hollie reminding me that I needed to order the bouttoniere (too late to care that that’s misspelled!) for her prom date. As I was getting out of the shower, the doorbell rang. It was Hollie’s boyfriend who had stopped by to decorate her room for prom. (He had called earlier, but my mind had since moved on to other things.) He decorated while I continued to get ready, then let himself out of the house. I actually got ready pretty quickly and was only interrupted one other time. This time, it was Rowland calling to tell me that Hollie was sick at school and asking me to call in permission for her to come home. Since I still hadn’t had breakfast (11:10 now), I ran downstairs and made myself a bagel. While waiting for it to toast, I called the school to excuse Hollie then called Hollie to tell her she could come home. Oh, and what about the bouttoniere? I quickly grabbed the phone book, looked up the flower shop, and called in the order. While spreading cream cheese on my bagel, I was digging through my purse to get my Visa to give to the flower shop. Jia, who had not been hungry or thirsty up to this point, decided that she, too, needed something. That’s okay…..just one more thing.

Finally, I grabbed all of the paperwork for Carson’s passport along with the grocery list and Kitty’s homework from the counter and headed out the door. As I raced to meet Rowland, I realized that I wasn’t going to have time to go by the school. Hopefully, I’d be able to get Kitty’s work to her in time later. Once I met Rowland, I quickly filled out the passport paperwork and realized that I had left Mom’s address at home. I called her, filled it in, and headed to the post office halfway across town. There was no line, and we were in and out quickly so, remembering that I had run out of face powder and seeing the proximity of the mall, I decided to “run in” to grab my face powder. While there, I remembered that I also “needed” a more decent bathing suit that didn’t make me look fat so I quickly tried a couple of them on only to remember that I HATE bathing suits and that my legs were still hanging out of the bottom of all of them!

Jia and I dragged ourselves out of the mall, both feeling like we couldn’t walk anymore because of our starvation and drove through Burger King before heading back to town. Once in town, I knew that I only had a few minutes to drop off Kitty’s homework and made the quick decision that I would check her out of school an hour early so that I wouldn’t have to return for her an hour later. The goal, of course, was one more thing to make one less thing!

As I walked into the door at home, I was desperate for a quick hour nap before Jia had to leave for dance. I checked my computer for teacher’s responses and realized that I now had several “one more things” to address with my precious Carson. An hour later, Rowland walked in the door, saw me at the computer and asked why I hadn’t taken my nap. Once explanations were out of the way and Carson was put on task, I grabbed some caffeine and flew out the door to dance. While Jia was at dance, I ran to the grocery store, barely making it back in time to pick her up. Meanwhile, I remembered a couple of items that I’d forgotten at the store and stopped back by again after phoning little Kitty and telling her for William and her to get on their homework. I knew that I had a Freshman class preparation meeting at the high school so, once home, I ran into the house to get to work on dinner (Rowland had already gone to band practice.) and calculated nutrition tables for one of Carson’s assignments. It took me 40 minutes, and I knew that he’d either never get it figured out or it would take him literally hours. Hollie had instructions for all of the kids to be bathed and in bed by the time I returned at 8:15. I grabbed a Power Bar and a Diet Dr. Pepper and stuffed them down my throat on the way to the school. Of course, the administrator was a “one more thing” person, too, so the meeting ended 25 minutes late at which time I had to drive back into town to get gas or risk running out in the morning. By 9:00, Rowland was lying on the bed, the girls were asleep (almost), William was in bed, Hollie was still lying on the couch asking for nausea medication (one more thing?), and I was going over completed work with Carson. At 10:00 I took my sleeping pill, my one last thing, and was dead to the world.

Now, it’s 2:56 a.m., and everyone in the house is sound asleep, and I’m up worrying about my son getting the rest of his work done before school. Just one more thing……

Bathing suit shopping! Ugh! Gross! Depressing!! As I’ve gotten older (yes, 43 now), I have grown to hate bathing suit shopping more and more. Shorts - bad enough! Jeans - torturous! Bathing suits - should be outlawed once you hit 40! There are some things in life that you shouldn’t have to deal with for your entire life. My thighs are the least attractive part of my anatomy (which I know really scares some of you who’ve seen my nose and my chesticles!). Where do you put them in a bathing suit? You can’t hide them. Those legs are just hanging out for the world to see. Of course, so are my chesticles as well as my upper arms. Isn’t it bad enough that my husband has to look at them? Why does the rest of the world have to to be tortured as well?

At 19, I thought I looked fat in my skimpy bikini. At 28, I knew that I looked fat in my skimpy bikini. At 38, I didn’t really go for the bikini at all but felt pretty cute in my one piece. At 43…….not so much! It seems to me that once you have your first hot flash, you should automatically be exempt from wearing bathing suits. There should be something really cute like leggings and a cute little tunic top that you get to graduate to once peri-menopause hits. Some kind of reward for turning older should be given. Those over-40 should not have the same requirements as those under 40 and certainly not the same requirements as those under 30!

This afternoon and tonight, little Kitty, Hollie (my 18 year old surrogate daughter), and I had a girls’ night. We shopped and ate and went to see a movie. We laughed and had a wonderful time together. Truly! Then, right before the movie, I lost my ever-lovin’ mind and went bathing suit shopping. Those tankinis looked pretty cute from the waist up. The problem was that I couldn’t find the leggings that went with them! I called Rowland in the middle of the store and cried. Yes, I actually cried while shopping! Anything that makes you cry at a store shouldn’t be in the store! Shopping is therapy; it doesn’t send you to therapy! Stinks! The only bright side of the traumatic experience is that now I’ll have something to discuss with my therapist when I go tomorrow! Thanks, bathing suits!

(And, no, there will be no pictures attached to this rant!)

Do you ever feel like life is just kicking your butt? That’s how I’m feeling now. I guess I should start with all the things that I’m thankful for. I’m thankful that my husband has a job that to this point has been secure. I’m incredibly grateful that I have four children who are healthy and happy (most of the time anyway!). I’m thankful for a wonderful husband who I can honestly say is my partner in life. I’d definitely sink without him! I’m thankful for a beautiful home with lots of room for our big family. I’m thankful for good neighborhood schools where my children are nurtured, taught, and safe. I’m thankful for the town in which we live, for the amazing friends that God has given to me. I’m thankful for the girls in my Bible study, for the way that we live life together, love each other, lift each other up in prayer. I’m thankful for a church that I truly love full of people who aren’t complainers in the midst of very difficult times for many of them. I’m thankful for the relationship that I have with God, for the way that He is always there to listen to my cries, to rejoice with me, to hold me up when I feel like I’m drowning. I’m thankful for my extended family, especially my momma who always loves me regardless of my sometimes poor decisions, who encourages me and is empathetic when I need her to be. I’m thankful for my sister Danea, for the way that she loves me and has loved me so unconditionally, for the way that she understands me. I’m thankful for my dear friend Anita who has wisdom beyond her years and is a wonderful problem solver.

With all of those things to be thankful for, how is it that it seems that life is continually kicking my butt? My OCD causes me to see all of the mess in my house, the closets that constantly need to be cleaned out, the photographs that need to be divided into the kids’ albums, the books that I want to read and those that I need to read. Even doing my Bible study seems overwhelming at times, although I know that time spent in the Word is not a choice but is LIFE itself. My house is constantly needing to be cleaned. The bathrooms are never clean enough, especially the boys’ bathroom! I see dust everywhere, not just on the furniture but also on the tops of shelves, on nick-knacks, everywhere. I can never get the glass shower doors cleaned regardless of the product I use. With four children, I have appointments running out of my ears. The medication that I take to “survive” causes me to need naps, taking away from time that I need to clean, exercise, run errands, volunteer in the schools. Our children aren’t involved in a lot of activities, but I still run ragged on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons with dance and gymnastics. Kids’ homework (especially Carson’s middle school work) is always in the back of my mind as is making sure bills are paid, sheets are returned to school, money is in the kids’ lunch accounts, special events are not missed, etc. My recent weight gain is a clear sign that I haven’t been exercising and that I’ve been grabbing food on the go. There are hair cut appointments, orthodontic appointments, allergy appointments, growth hormone follow-ups, dental appointments, physicals, and the list just goes on and on. I certainly couldn’t make it without my therapy appointment each week either!

I look around me, and I see people who seem to have it all together. I do know that in large part “seem” is the key word. I have a feeling that everyone around me is feeling overwhelmed as well. It just seems that others handle life better, that they spend more time with their children, playing games or going to the park or the swimming pool or museums. Getting dinner on the table is a constant chore for me as I’m often napping during the time I should be preparing. Even as I type this, I’m thinking of my billfold that needs to be cleaned out and my checkbook that needs to be examined. Scheduling time with my friends is even a chore at times as I always feel that there is more that I need to be doing even if it’s staying home and spending quality time with my precious husband. I have the desire to go through my house and throw everything away, yet I cull closets and drawers on a continual basis.

I am constantly reminded of my dear friend in Oklahoma with six children who says that when she gets to the end of her life, it won’t be pretty. She’ll be sliding in, dead tired, looking a little worn around the edges. All I know as I cry out to God is that He knows that this life is kicking my butt. He gave me these four precious children that are overwhelming at times because I want to love each one of them so well. He gave me a wonderful husband who needs my attention and whose attention I need. I guess my prayer is that the harder life kicks, the stronger His arms will be to lift me up and place me back on my feet. And somewhere deep inside of me, I must believe that because I keep crying out to the One who is bigger than life itself, the God of the whole universe who holds each moment of my life in His hands. And thankfully, NOTHING kicks His butt!

I was sick in the middle of the night last night and haven’t felt so great today. As a result, I skipped church, slept late, read, and piddled around the house. Then, when Rowland got home, he made everyone lunch and laid down for a nap, my cue to go back to sleep. When I woke up, he was leaving to go to the grocery store so I read the whole time he was gone. I did jump up when he brought in the groceries and put them all away. Now, Rowland’s making dinner and doesn’t need/want my help. I cleaned up the kitchen and folded a load of laundry, but I just wish sometimes that WE could hang out, instead of ME hanging out.

I love to read and watch TV and just hang. My husband doesn’t. He’s always busy doing something. The kids even came to me last night and said that I was the only responsible adult in the house because Daddy was taking a nap. Hello! I think I can handle things! I am the mother.

I know that I should feel thankful for all that Rowland does around here, but often, I feel useless, like the outsider in my own home. It’s depressing, and it stinks!

I have everything in the world that I’ve ever wanted or even dreamed of having. My husband is a true prince among men. He continues to walk me through (carry me at times) my health issues as he loves me so completely, cares about my needs so deeply, and is the most fabulous hands-on daddy that anyone could ever desire. I have four of the most beautiful, precious children whom God ever made. Each of them is perfect in his/her own unique way, and each of them fills my heart and soul with love just as they fill my arms with hugs and my cheeks with kisses. I love the town in which we live, the beautiful mountains all around me, the sky so close you can almost touch it, the rolling hills and pastures, the “hometown” feel. I could not wish for a better church. I have amazing friends who love me, think I’m funny, make me laugh, and share their deepest hurts and highest dreams just as I do with them. My children go to wonderful schools where they are not just receiving a great education but where they have sweet friends and nurturing teachers/staff. I am so grateful for my home and our neighborhood and neighbors. My home is more than I ever thought that I would have; it’s decorated with things that have meaning to us, with pictures of our friends and family enjoying life together; it’s spacious enough for all of us to live here comfortably; and it is truly a place where I feel safe, secure, and “nested.” And last, but certainly not least, I have a true relationship with Jesus, with my Heavenly Father, with a God who is very real to me. I know that He loves me, that He’s near to me, that He’s concerned about my every thought, and that He has blessed me truly beyond measure!

So why is there still such a restlessness inside of me? Where does it come from? Is it the longing for the “not-always-responsible-for-every-little-thing” Kitty to surface on occasion? I feel the need to dance, to sing, to wave my hands in the air and release the inner me that seems to have gotten lost in Life. I want to throw the cares of Life into the wind for just a little while, to feel ALIVE. What does that even mean?

I want to be the sensual woman who must still exist inside the mommy and the wife and the housekeeper and the nurse. I want to be someone’s girlfriend (preferably my husband’s!!!)! I want to be unpredictable at times, to do somersaults and dance on the sidewalk! I want to laugh until tears pour from my eyes, and my stomach is in pain! Every once in a while, I want to shock and awe!

I am so fine with every American having the right to vote for whomever he/she chooses. I do not think that either candidate or either party is COMPLETELY correct on EVERY issue. There are issues on which I disagree with each candidate. There are issues on which I agree with each candidate. I can’t say that I am ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that I am making the right decision. Further, I don’t think that anyone can say for certain what either candidate will actually do once that man takes office. They are people, and as I learned while working in the temporary employment business, people are not controllable. Each person needs to make an informed choice and respect the choice of other people as well as other organizations.

I am SOOOOOOO tired of this election. I am sick of hearing lies coming from both sides (or spinning the truth) not just in the national elections but also in the local elections. Each time a commercial comes on the television, I want to SCREAM! According to the commercials, all candidates are liars, none are trustworthy, all desire to ruin the US, and if elected, all will show their true cad colors. I would love to hear the truth on the amendments, the candidates, the issues….. I am disgusted with the mud-slinging! Is that really what our country has become? Is that what our political system has become? Where will it go from here? What will it be like in four years?

Please, if you know me, feel free to send me any “unbiased” report that might help in making the best decision possible. Please, please, please, though, don’t send me anymore e-mails telling me that Obama is a Muslim who pals around with terrorists seeking to destroy the US!! Honestly, they might just put me right over the edge!

Why is it that men get to do whatever in the heck they want to do whenever in the heck they want to do it? For some women, their husbands hunt. For some, they golf. Others have hobbies like skiing or fishing or boating. Some men run or bike or swim. There are those men who put together models or work on cars or watch every sporting event shown on television. Still others attend any game for which tickets can be found. Some men are musicians or artists or horsemen. ALL MEN have hobbies.

Many women have hobbies as well. I, for one, enjoy reading. I also love to shop and have Girls Night Out. I’d even go so far as to say that one of my hobbies is just piddling around the house. It makes me feel good!

The difference in men and women? Men choose when they’ll do their hobbies and let their wives know, assuming she’s available to watch THEIR children. Women ask permission, make sure that the man will, in fact, be at home, that he has not already made other plans. It’s universal. If you men ever wonder what we talk about under our breaths when we think you’re not listening, you now know. Many of the men I know are fantastic husbands, hands-on fathers, great providers…..Still the question remains - Why is that men get to do whatever in the heck they want to do whenever in the heck they want to do it?

Why do people have to talk so much and so loudly and with so much energy in the morning? It makes me feel like my skin will crawl right off of my body!!!! As I sit here and type, I hear singing. It’s not the singing of a favorite song; it’s the singing of every thought crossing one child’s mind. In between “verses,” every thought is spoken - loudly! As if that weren’t enough for an already-over-the-edge mom, there’s also a banging sound, a toy guitar being played, the television with goofy creatures making noises, and the constant chatter of another child trying to get a sibling’s attention. Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! “Hey, Mom! Hey, Mom! Hey, Mom!” Can I scream or would that be a bit much for a “normal” person? And this is after my mommy medications!! Should I pray for patience and calm? Or maybe deafness? Can God hear through all of the jumble in my head right now? Now, questions are flying my way.

Can I instate a rule that NO ONE speaks before school? We could sit together with no noise and just love on each other as we slowly get ready for the day. We could wander around the house getting out our breakfast, getting dressed, cleaning our rooms……. Is talk necessary for those things? More talk…..more questions…..more TV….. When does the bus get here? 30 more minutes? What time is it now? How many more minutes until quiet? Still 30….. “She’s (me) not going to answer me.” At least the hint is being taken. The noise doesn’t stop, though. Where is my sister-in-law’s recliner in a nice, dark, quiet place where she has her coffee, and no one speaks to her until she’s done? Maybe a new recliner would do the trick. Maybe I just need to start drinking coffee. How many more minutes? Watching the clock is like watching water boil. Nothing happens. The hands are stuck. The noise continues, though. It’s the same noise that I hear in the afternoon that makes me laugh. Why is it so painful in the morning? How many more minutes? 25 but who’s counting? I think this will be a “Don’t-answer-the-phone day!”

Well, I don’t have to worry about Grandmother’s family party anymore as she called today and cancelled it. She has a different idea for how she’d like to celebrate her birthday - high tea at her house on a different day entirely! Can I say, “DONE!!!!”