I can always tell when my kids are really tired because they end up in tears over things that really don’t matter. I know that they hate it when I say, “Baby, you’re tired. You need to go to bed or take a nap.” They always disagree. “I’m NOT tired!” Of course, the tears continue, proving to me that they really are tired. Why do they fight it so much?

I recognize this in my children because I have the same problem. When I’m tired, I cry or at least I feel like crying. Sometimes, I can’t cry so I get really agitated. Last night, I was walking the dog at 9:45. I hadn’t stopped all day. It hadn’t been a bad day, but I was really tired. I felt the sudden rush of tears, but I reminded myself that it was a waste of energy to cry. Besides, my mom always told me that I was really ugly when I cry, and I always get a headache after crying. Instead, I yanked the dog on the leash and hollered at her to hurry up! Sensing my anger now directed towards her, she tucked her tail and did nothing. Good work, Kitty! Since I realized that abusing the dog wasn’t going to help, I found the snow shovel and began to beat the crap out of the ice on the stairs in the backyard. (I’ve fallen several times - in my hiking boots - so I had a lot of anger towards that ice!) I’m sure my neighbors appreciated the noise while they were already in bed. I didn’t care, though. I was mad at all of the people who COULD be in bed! Eventually, all of my work was done, and I was able to curl up in bed. I wanted to savor the time, but instead, I fought my eyes to stay awake.

I guess I’m still tired this morning. Little Kitty has been asking me for several weeks to switch the seats around in the van so that she can crawl in and out easier. I switched them before so I knew how to do it. While in the garage, I gathered up the odds and ends lying around and threw them in the trash. I came in and emptied the litter box and all of the trash cans as well. Back in the garage, I began working on the seat. It was actually very easy to remove; however, when I moved it over to the middle of the van, I dropped the back metal pieces into the slots on accident. (When you place the seat, you have to place the front metal pieces first, then lower in the rear ones.) Try as I might, I could not get the stupid back of the seat removed again. Eventually, with tears streaming down my face, I smashed my finger, the one I was flipping myself off with!! I just sat there in the car by myself and cried and cried - just like my babies do!

When I came inside, I wanted to call Rowland to cry to him, but I knew how ridiculous I would sound. “Honey, I smashed my finger, and it really hurts. I can’t get the ********* seat placed correctly because I screwed up…….” I knew what he would think. “You’re tired, baby. Go get back in bed and take a rest.” I know this because that’s what I tell my children.

A few minutes later, he called me. I told him what had happened, then started to cry. “I’m really tired…..” He told me just what I knew he’d say, “Go get back in bed and take a rest.” The only problem is that I have errands to run, laundry to do, a dog to feed and walk, bills to pay, etc., etc. Sometimes I just get tired of feeling tired. It’s frustrating! Even as I type, my dog is upstairs barking to get out of her kennel, the bills are waiting to be paid, my shower is calling as are the errands, the sheets are on the floor waiting to be washed, and the suitcases I’m giving to a friend are in the back of the car waiting to be taken to the church. I still have my groceries and some hairspray to buy. By then, it’ll be time to pick up Carson, then the little ones after Spanish, then dinnertime, clean sheets put on the bed, walking the dog several times, cleaning up the kitchen, helping my babies get in bed, working out, and finally crawling into bed around 9:00 (if I happen to be lucky!).

I know it sounds like I’m whining, but the truth is, I wouldn’t change my life with anyone else’s in the world. I just know that for at least the next 13 1/2 years (when Jia graduates from high school), I’m going to be tired. Hopefully, my husband will still be compassionate enough to tell me, “Go get back in bed and take a rest.” And when he does, I’m going to do just that - with tears running down my cheeks!

Our elementary schools are going from a traditional schedule to a four-track schedule. Basically, this means year-round school with breaks during the year. Carson, of course, will stay on a traditional schedule so it’ll be a little tough for planning family trips, etc. The worst part is that my babysitter will be in school when I need him the most! Who’s supposed to raise these kids of mine?

Last night, Amy and I went to a meeting at the school. I have to say that I was disappointed when I found out the schedules were changing. As a matter of fact, we only looked at houses within our schools’ boundaries because we wanted all of our children on the same schedule. Obviously, I have no control over the schools. Overcrowding is a huge problem, and track scheduling is the only answer. Just accept it and move on! Naturally, some of the people at the meeting last night weren’t able to do that!

Amy and I got so tickled as we listened to this one lady ask TWICE why the school district hadn’t noticed that all of these new houses were being built and that we would need a new school; therefore, they should have gotten a bond and started building a new elementary school. Why didn’t they? Well, they just didn’t. Well, why not? Hello, they just didn’t! Move on! You can keep wishing they had, but that changes nothing. Or as Amy put it, “If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a very merry Christmas!” I suggested that the lady run for the state legislature. I’ll vote for her if she wants the job!

The next incredibly enlightened person wanted to make sure that since she had been in the district longer, she would have preference over the rest of us “newcomers.” After all, she’s been in the district for 6 years, and we’ve only been in the district since May. What? The poor lady in front of me told us that she only had a kindie so she couldn’t have been in the school district but this one year. I told her that she was being punished for not bearing children sooner and that the “old” people would obviously be given preferential treatment! In the end, Amy and I called for a vote to let the woman have whatever track she freakin’ wanted just so she would shut up! (Not.)

There were actually some people who were concerned about how long children would have for recess and if they’d have enough time to eat their nutritious lunches. First of all, those moms have obviously never been in a school cafeteria or they would know that kids talk. They don’t eat! And as for the length of recess, I thought that they went to school to learn. I never realized that recess was such a vital part of the school day. (So much for that education degree of mine.)

I think my favorite part of the meeting was when I raised my hand to help the room clarify the order of preference. My dear, precious, always-standing-beside-me friend actually scooted over a seat away from me just in case someone might think we were together!! Talk about true friends!!

So where does it all stand? The same place it stood before the meeting! I do feel sorry for those parents who are working and have to figure out childcare for all of the little breaks. (I also hope that God doesn’t try to use me in this area! Not my calling!!!!!!) Bottom line, though, is (in Amy’s words), “Deal with it!”

Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas has gone off the deep end, and it really ticks me off! It ticks me off because, although they are not affiliated with any Baptist organization, they present themselves as Christians. These insane people attend soldiers’ funerals carrying signs that read, “Thank God for Dead Soldiers!” They attended the 25th anniversary of the Vietnam Veterans’ Memorial in Washington, D.C. carrying signs that said, “A Soldier Dies. God Laughs.” Members take their children to soldiers’ funerals, and their children carry these same signs. There are even pictures of their children standing on the American flag. More signs read, “God Hates Fags,” “God Hates the USA,” and “You’re Going to Hell.”

Why are they acting like this? They believe that God is punishing the United States for its liberal stance on homosexuality. And how is God punishing the U.S.? By having American soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan! They have several web addresses, two of which are www.godhatesfags.com and www.godhatesamerica.com. According to their webpage, www.westborobaptistchurch.com, they have conducted over 34,000 peaceful demonstrations to date “opposing the fag lifestyle of soul-damning, nation-destroying filth.” As a result of the negative press, “now, God’s america’s enemy, dashing your soldiers to pieces.”

If you’re interested in hearing “Fresh Bread from the WBC oven,” the latest sermons, you can go to their webpage. Look for the square that reads, “God Hates You,” and you’ll find the messages that I’m sure you’re dying to hear! Insanity!!!!!!!!! The blogs, news, articles, etc. on their site are enough to make you incredibly angry!! How can they go to places where people are trying to say good-bye to their fallen sons and daughters and be so horribly hateful? Where is Jesus’ compassion? Where are His arms and feet? They’re sure as H*** are not holding up those signs and stomping on the hearts of hurting people!!

This group initially made its name known when they demonstrated at Mathew Shepard’s funeral several years ago. He was the boy who was homosexual and was tied to a fencepost and beaten to death in Wyoming. They showed up carrying signs that said, “God Hates Fags” and “Fags Burn in Hell.” How many people at that funeral turned to Jesus in their time of pain as a result of this “Christian” outpouring of hate?

A father of a fallen soldier brought a lawsuit against several members of the group and won around $11 million. Now, the poor babies are crying to the judge that they don’t have the money to pay, and more lawsuits are around the corner. Maybe they ought to just pray to God for the money. If He’s really supporting them, and they’re following His lead, He’ll take care of this situation for them, too. If I were them, I wouldn’t be holding my breath, though!!!!!

I am so freakin’ frustrated! I have left messages for the lady scheduling Jia’s test; I have “caught” her by calling repeatedly. The hospital is in the process of moving. She told me she would call me last Friday. She didn’t and said she would call on Monday. Today is Wednesday, and I still have heard nothing. I got in touch with her this afternoon, and she explained that she hadn’t had a chance to call my insurance company yet. A new procedure has been put in place that has her scheduling only on Thursdays when she’s at the clinic. She assured me once again that she would call in the morning and schedule her tomorrow. She also let me know that she has eight tests to schedule. I’m sure that was her way of letting me know that my daughter is not the only child in the world. I just want her to do what she says she’s going to do. If she wasn’t able to schedule the test, she should’ve left me a message letting me know that. I’m pessimistic about her calling me tomorrow, although I really hope she does.

I also tried to call the doctor and was connected to the wrong Children’s Hospital and held for 30 minutes before hanging up. I finally got the right office, and the “secretary” asked me all of the information about Jia as well as finding out who my doctor is and getting my phone numbers. Then, she asked me if my call was an emergency. I told her that it was not, and she said that she is only allowed to take messages if it is an emergency. Could I please call back tomorrow? Why in the heck didn’t she say that on the front end?

I know that I’m being overly emotional! BUT I AM FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!! I hate bureaucracy! It even exists in the small town of Parker. Amazing!

Rowland and I are starting a new Life Group, and we’re very excited about it. We’re excited about the people in our group and watching the group grow closer as time moves on. We’re hopeful and prayerful that God will draw those in the group closer to Him and that we can share some great God stories. We went to a confab (look it up - it’s a real word, not one invented by Grant English - actually “confabulation,” I think - still no idea what it means even after he gave us the definition!) a couple of weekends ago for those who are Life Group leaders or wannabes. It was excellent. Truly. Grant definitely has the Life Group concept down. I felt majorly challenged and definitely aware of my weaknesses and need for good, quality time spent with God in His Word and in prayer.

This isn’t our first Life Group that we’ve started. We had an awesome one in Little Rock. Some of my best memories, most treasured times, and most treasured friends were in that Life Group. It was a group full of transparent, broken people who really loved and cared for each other. When Life Group would end, Rowland and I would just sit in awe of the way that God was working in so many lives, the way that people were so open with hurts, shortcomings, desires, etc. I think that we were the same way. Anyone who knows me knows that what you see is what you get. Then came REAL LIFE in the Smith household…..

REAL LIFE knocked me on my butt, hard and fast, and I was down for the count for a good year, my last year in Little Rock. I had a nervous breakdown, plain and simple. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t answer the phone. I couldn’t take care of my children. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t do anything but sit on my deck all day and into the night. Literally.

In our Life Group, we had preached transparency, life-walking through difficult times, lifting each other up, and sometimes carrying each other. Everyone had responded well. People poured out their lives and allowed us the privilege of walking through the crap with them. So what happened when I got knocked on my butt? We withdrew - completely. Now, in our defense, I was incapable of really anything. The mere thought of being around people put me into major panic attack mode. (I couldn’t even go to the mall, my haven!) Each time the phone would ring, I would feel like I was going to fall onto the floor in a ball and cry. My poor husband didn’t know what to do. He received poor counsel (hind-sight is always 20-20) to just circle the wagons and to heck with everyone else. So that’s what we did. I worked hard to do the things that I was “supposed” to do. I was on major drugs and in intensive therapy. Rowland was still sharing with Grant (bless his heart!) and probably should’ve gone through some therapy on how to deal with a crazy wife. Bottom line, though, we ran FROM the very group of people we should’ve run TO. Rowland feels like he probably should’ve given updates to the group for prayer. He still feels like he had to protect me (which I’m so thankful for), but perhaps there could’ve been a way to do that and still allow that Group who had allowed us “in” to be a part of our crap.

At the confab, Ray talked a little about getting pulled into the water by people in your group. What then? It just got me to thinking about how I want to handle the future when Rowland and I are going under for the third time, and we’re the leaders of the group. It’ll happen again. Hopefully, it’ll look different, but God refines us in those weak times so I know it’ll come. I want to be able to hang in the group and allow them to life-walk with us, just as we’re asking them to allow us to do with them. My prayer is that God will knit us all so closely together that we will all be drawn to Him and to each other.

My heart truly aches when I think about how deeply I hurt those people in my Life Group, how I abandoned them at my time of need. Several of those people were family to us and to our children. One thing I’ve learned is that life goes on, and relationships sometimes can’t really be mended no matter the apologies or forgiveness involved. I’m really sad for that, really, really sad. Those people are truly missed. I’d change it all if I could…..Seems that all I can do now is try to do better this time around.

I have a beautiful 2005 Toyota Sienna van that is loaded to the max. Rowland surprised me with it, and it is definitely the “cadillac” of vans. I absolutely love it. The only problem is that in addition to falling up and down the stairs on a regular basis, I also run into things on a regular basis. My van has the sensors that let you know when you’re about to hit something. They work great, but I figured out early on that they were a little more sensitive than I am. In other words, when they go off, I know that I actually have a little further to go before I actually hit anything. Of course, you know where I’m going with this. There is a happy medium between the van’s sensors and my own inherent sensors; therefore, I got into a bad “habit” of totally ignoring the beeping sound and hitting things.

I have a hole in my back bumper because I ran into a metal post at Jia’s old school. I was backing up, the sensor was beeping, and I rammed right into the post! I have several black marks on my bumpers as well because the beeper would go off, and I’d continue on until I “brushed against” someone’s black bumper or any number of other things. If you were to look at the inside of my car, you would be able to tell that I love my car. If you were to look at the outside of the car, you might have some question.

Most recently, I was making an illegal U-turn (which would have been legal in California) and very slowly ran right into the curb and even on top of it. I immediately called Rowland and told him that I need a Hummer so that I can do more off-road driving! He let me know that I would definitely kill someone if I had a Hummer and that I should try to stay on the road. Easier said than done! The best part of the U-turn is that it was right in front of a student driving school. Perhaps I should have enrolled!

The girls and I continued with our errands and even drove several miles on the interstate. Thankfully, it wasn’t until I got back to Parker that women started rolling down their windows to let me know that I had a flat tire. (As an aside, not one man let me know!) I called Rowland, who was getting ready for our surprise date, and he told me to pull into the Kroger gas station and put some air into the tire to make it last the few miles home. I did as he said and discovered a huge gash in the side of the tire (maybe from my earlier off-road driving????). The air was coming out about as fast as I could get it in, so when I jumped back into my car, I needed to get moving quickly. The only problem was that I was trapped in the parking lot. In front of me was the gas tanker that was re-filling the gas, and in back of me was a car with two boys on bikes waiting to fill up their tires. The lady driver had on a shirt that said Jesus something and had a cross on the front. I explained to her that I had a flat and needed to get on the road quickly and asked her if she would mind backing up to let me out. The “kind, Christian” lady said, “Oh, SHIT” and very irritatedly moved her car. (So much for Christian love, huh?) I really couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of the whole situation! My suggestion to her is not to wear that shirt anymore!

LONGGGGGGG story short - the next morning, Rowland put on my spare, and we took the van in for some minor repairs and four new tires. I also got my bumper car detailed and am newly committed to staying on the road and listening to my sensors!! I kind of remind myself of the little train that was supposed to stay on the track no matter what but often was found in the grass! Hopefully, like the little train, I’ve learned my lesson, and I’m going to stay on the track NO MATTER WHAT!!!

For those of you who know me - even a little - you know that I struggle with emotional stability. Basically, what that means is that I fall apart over the normal irritations of life even though in my mind, I know that falling apart is a waste of energy and stupid. I can handle the big things in life. It’s the little ones that seem to put me close to “the edge.” Generally, those things hit me in the middle of lots of other confusion going on around me. For example, last Tuesday, I took my children and an extra one to Taco Bell to drive through for lunch. As usual, I got lost in a neighborhood, and the extra kid told me that I was driving around in circles. He was right! We all laughed as we continued to drive past the same streets over and over again. We all laughed as we ordered and continued to make jokes the whole way home. What a fun mommy, right? What a great, fun time!! Within 30 minutes of our laughter, I went over “the edge.” (The extra child was gone by now.) I couldn’t find the hammer, and I wanted to finish hanging the last few items in the house. As I searched for the hammer, I began to look around the house and noticed all of the rooms that had children’s things left in them and also noticed that the kids’ rooms were not cleaned with beds made (a daily morning requirement). For some unknown reason, I felt this surge of emotion inside of me that I couldn’t control. I climbed onto the “mean mommy” broom and flew through the house barking orders. All the while, I’m crying uncontrollably. My children jumped into high gear and got everything cleaned up quickly while I laid in the middle of the living room floor and cried and cried and cried, angry with myself for who I had become in a matter of moments over a stupid hammer and a couple of un-made beds. Of course, once my “fit” was over, I apologized to the children for being such a witch and tried to make it up to them as best as I could.

Today, same song, second (or 1,000,000th) verse….The girls and I crawled into bed together and loved on each other this morning. We got up and went downstairs where I made them cinnamon rolls for breakfast. We visited while I got the dirty clothes together to begin the laundry. I casually unloaded the dishwasher as we continued to visit. William came upstairs and ate with us, and all was well in the Smith house. After my shower, Jia continued to want to be held while I tried to get dressed for the day. (Rowland wanted us to go get our car tags this morning.) I could feel myself getting irritated, but I was determined to continue putting one nice foot in front of another. Then came the phone calls. I had to call Wal-Mart because I didn’t know which of my new contacts went into which eye. As expected, I was put on hold for an eternity. Finally, the girl got back on the line and told me she had five people in front of me, could I wait longer? No, thank you! I hung up and called my eye doctor for help. Once again, I was put on hold, but the wait was relatively short, and I was able to figure out my contacts. The next phone call was to Kaiser, my least favorite place on the planet. (In fact, if you don’t know Jesus, you will have Kaiser insurance when you die!) I called and held and held and held. Eventually, I spoke with a very nice girl who put me on hold again and again. In the end, I discovered that the prescription that I had ordered two weeks ago and that I should receive in 7 - 10 days was expected in their plant on Monday. They would get it out to me then. Actually, the answer didn’t irritate me at all. I expected that. It was the pain of waiting and waiting and waiting, all the while having Jia talk to me, walking around the house trying to get ready to go.

As I went to get in the car, I “ranted” to my husband about my morning. (He had been outside and missed all of the fun.) He doesn’t want to hear me rant. It doesn’t put him in a happy place either. In fact, it’s really unfair to him. I knew that the things that I was upset about were a waste of energy. I realize that they are “just life.” The question is…what am I suppose to do with those physiologically-based emotions that well up inside of me? I can’t throw things or break things. I’m not supposed to yell at my children or scream and curse. No one wants to hear me rant (me neither!). I do tell God how I feel. I tell Him that I know He’s promised to supply all my needs, and I believe that means my emotional needs as well. I have my quiet time every day; I journal every day; I work out every day; I take my medication every day; I shower every day. I do all of the things that I’m “supposed” to do, but nothing seems to work. I try to talk to myself, but I must not say the right things.

The bottom line is that I can’t handle “multi-tasking” life. I can’t handle the noise around me - the TV, the fan in the bathroom, the elevator music on the phone while I wait, the kids talking and playing, etc., etc. Do I have to go live on a deserted island somewhere to keep from throwing two year old tantrums? I have everything I’ve ever wanted in my whole life, and I love where we live. I love my husband and my four adorable children. I have a beautiful home with a little shopping money on the side. I have my good friend Amy here so I’m not alone and friendless. I’m even beginning to make other friends. God and I are on good terms most of the time. I spend time talking to Him and reading His Word (and not listening enough, I’m sure!). Even with everything in my life being so good, I have a chemical imbalance in my body that makes me “crazy,” and I HATE IT!!!!!! Is it the thorn in my flesh that Paul talks about (or the thorn in my poor family’s flesh?) or is it immaturity on my part? I don’t know, but I’m pretty damned tired of it!

Okay, I promise I’m not going to say much about this topic, but I’m going back to the Paris Hilton thing. Explain to me why Paris goes to prison for 25 days for driving with a suspended license, and Scooter Libby tells national secrets and lies about it and gets a fine. He does get “supervised release,” too, but no one knows how to handle his “supervised release” because normally, it’s after a sentence is served. I’m sick of pardons. In my opinion, you get a pardon because you know SOMEONE. Fair? I don’t think so. You do the crime, you do the time, right? Isn’t that the conservative adage? I’m not picking sides because both sides cheat in these situations. Funny how it depends on who you’re talking about! Do you realize that the prosecutor’s wife in the Paris case drove on a suspended license and wrecked a state vehicle just a couple of years ago? Do you know how much time she did? The same amount as Scooter Libby! She didn’t even pay to have the vehicle repaired.

I’m done with this topic, but I am ready for a little fair play across the board! I’m even considering purchasing the T-shirt I saw at the mall. It had a little Paris-dog on it with cute, over-sized pink sunglasses. In big words across the front, it said, “Free Paris.” Seems to me that that would’ve been fair!

I have to apologize on the front end for posting this blog. I just have a couple of things to say. First of all, I am NOT a Paris fan or her defender; however, I am getting a little tired of her being blasting all the time. Yes, what she did was wrong - very wrong. No one should ever drive drunk. In doing so numerous times, she put other innocent people at risk. She had no right to do so, and she should definitely face the consequences. She drove on a suspended license. Once again, she was wrong and should face the consequences. I am all about consequences for actions. Here’s my beef, though. According to what I have read and seen on CNN, she served half of her sentence versus the 10% that most people serve. Whether she was held in a separate area or whatever other “special” treatment she may have received, she did serve way more time than anyone else would have. How about her prosecutor’s wife who drove on a suspended license and wrecked a state vehicle? She didn’t receive any jail time and did not even pay for the damages to the vehicle. The bottom line is this: Leave the girl alone! She’s done her time. We have no idea how she’s been parented. She’s not a kid anymore. She’s a 26 year old woman making her own bad (and good, I suppose) decisions. Tonight, I actually heard someone on CNN trashing out her parents for allowing her to drop out of high school. I know other parents who don’t have nearly the money the Hiltons have who also had to “allow” their children to drop out of high school. (BTW, she did go on to get her diploma.) By the time children are in high school, sometimes parents have to “allow” them to make bad choices, too. The same CNN commentator also trashed out her parents for eating out at a “famous” restaurant a couple of nights ago. Evidently, they should have kept a lower profile. Now, we’re going to judge people based on their restaurant choices? Please! Give me a freakin’ break! Could we move on to something else? Let’s get mad about people who unfairly receive early pardons or who don’t serve jail time when they do horrible things to people. Paris Hilton has, in my opinion, served more than her fair share. Kudos to her! And shame on her prosecutor!!

I am tired of waking up every morning with knots in my stomach. I am tired of the constant arguing and debating that goes on every time I open my mouth. I am tired of being touched all the time. I am tired of having constant demands on me. I don’t know why God gave me four children when He knew that emotionally I couldn’t handle it. I am tired of always feeling the tears behind my eyes, begging to fall. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling scared and alone. I am tired of feeling overwhelmed all the time. I am tired of everything I try to do getting screwed up. (like trying to upload pictures on this stupid site, trying to chunk it all and upload a whole new theme to start over and not havinga clue how to) I am tired of ALWAYS trying to hold it together and NOBODY understanding what that feels like. I am tired of being asked what the problem is when the problem is just WHO I AM, the way that God made me! I am just so damn tired….just really tired….So there’s the real Kitty! Voila!